Recently I made my old livejournal into a huge pdf file, of over 1,800 pages. The journal had been with me for the biggest parts of my life and I religiously wrote in it from 2002-2008. The entries in it span over my college days, both living in the dorms and with my friends, going through a million changes with my girlfriends, all the boys I dated in college before I met Hank, transitioning from college to the work force, graduate school, the journey of falling in love, moving to Prescott, beginning teaching, you name it. This livejournal is invaluable to me and it's both amazing and relieving to have this document, photos and all, and to be able to print it out if I so choose. It makes me feel safe to know that I have these memories preserved forever, and I cannot even express how thankful I am that I was so diligent in documenting so thoroughly.
I used the website
www.ljbook.com, and you can also use it for blogger and wordpress. It was extremely fast, and it breaks up your entries by year and month, and will put each of them on a separate page if you choose. I thought it would be fun to take random snippets of entries from such a long time ago and share with you all. My journal is completely private now, and at first I was a little apprehensive about making this post- how could I possibly choose entries that encompassed the depth of these huge periods in my life and present them in small snapshots like this? So I decided to be completely random. I simply clicked on the year, and then chose a day or two from each section and then just copied and pasted a little piece of it here. Some of these are just ramblings, but I got really lucky with a couple of them and even stumbled upon the entry I wrote after Hank and I had our first date, simple and to the point but so beautiful in retrospect.
From the writer's point of view, I think it's pretty interesting to read through all of my hopes and dreams, all of my daily musings, annoyances and triumphs both big and small. It puts a lot in perspective. Simply put, wherever you are now, you will be somewhere else soon. And if you don't like where you are, that realization can be a godsend, a lifesaver. Knowing that there is always something next, something else out there, can be a reassurance when you feel like things can't get worse. Although I've had some of the best experiences and have such amazing people in my life, I've also had sad times, like anyone. But having experienced the ups and downs of feeling depressed here and there while growing up makes reading about my life in 2002, 2003 and beyond so meaningful to me. I got through that. I accomplished and conquered so many things, and even on my saddest days, when I felt alone and so down, I couldn't have pictured being so happy in my lifetime. I write this because I feel like it's good to know that whatever you are doing or wherever you are, there is always a "next." You can define your life to be whatever you want, and as the years went by and I lived these experiences and moved through time, I left behind someone I wasn't always happy to be and became someone I loved. Nothing is perfect and of course I still have days I feel sad, but coming from the point of view of a teenager and then a young adult who has felt alone, who has felt like they were just going through the motions of life, I feel ecstatic being able to read through all of these things and knowing that now at 28 I have arrived in a place where I am comfortable and happy. I never would have imagined it. In 2002 I never would have pictured that two years later I'd meet someone I'd end up marrying. In fact, I couldn't have imagined it if I tried. My livejournal is a testament to "you never know," and also in a way, to never give up. And although this post is very me me me, I do feel it's an interesting perspective to know that the 2002 you will never, ever be the same as the 2010 you. And that 2010 you...well the happy future for that person and all the upcoming lives that are possible to live, they are endless. Possibility is a beautiful thing. If you are a blogger, how will your 2018 self look back on all of these entries? Will you read them and think yes yes, that was me, I was there. And look at me now. Will it be a happy retrospective of sorts? Will you accomplish what you want to accomplish, do what you want to do? The best part is that you can choose what this 2010 person becomes. Who will you be? Who do you want to be? No matter where you are right now, good or bad, the power of choice is amazing. And the power of possibility is endless. You just never know. And that is truly the most wonderfully hopeful thing about this crazy world.
But before I make this too long, here are some of the random snippets from 2002 to 2006...I hope you enjoy them! I had a great time randomly picking them.
November 11, 2002watching "a wedding story" again. i can’t wait to be there, you know - in love with someone you are certain you want to share your life with. i can't even imagine that or picture that happening to me, but for some reason i am always compelled to watch these shows. so i am sitting there watching and suddenly i think, what if in 20 years (i’ll be 40!) i am sitting in a small apartment with 20 cats, still watching this show and dreaming of being swept off my feet...oh. my. god. i'd look around, and see my 20 cats, and see myself all alone, and know that i never found true love. it was just a thought, and autumn laughed at me when i said it out loud, so i am hoping this would never, ever come true. i would rather die than be in that predicament. well not die, but i just don’t want to be there. and especially with 20 cats. gross.
December 23, 2002and i have come to a realization. the crush i had on "him" is over. he does not feel the same way, or if he does, he shows it too sporadically. and i don’t feel like feeling so happy, then so sad based on his attentions for me. so i am done. i wash my hands of it. and you know what? sometimes i think that he does like me, actually a lot of the time. but he is too immature to act his age and show his feelings. i cannot deal with guys like that anymore. boys need to pursue me, ask me out, kiss me first. what happened to chivalry? what happened to good, old-fashioned dates? aaahhh. i am fed up with guys in general. and not all the nice guy friends that i have but the other ones. so now i am just focusing on me. back to me, back to the basics. i usually do a pretty good job of loving me and all that, but lately i feel like i have forgotten a bit who i am. so no more of that. i can only look into myself for happiness. and i know it is there, i just have to find it.
March 26, 2003tomorrow is thursday. and the friday and then saturday. and soon enough it will be summer. and i can wear a bikini everyday and sandals and we can all go to sedona with the windows down, music up. the summer sun on our shoulders, a twinkle in our eye. all night on the lounge chairs talking and drinking and enjoying being so young. autumn and shirley and me. living with my loves and being totally enamoured with life.
April 6, 2003i mean i do like him but i cannot yet tell if these feelings are more than a friend type of thing. hmmm. but he took me bowling and it was me and 10 of his huge teammates and they were so sweet to me. fun times. BUT last night i hung out with him and we were playing the question game and i asked him if he like to read and he said NO. um hello? that’s a deal-breaker for me. but the thing is, i am not a football fan and that’s his life, so it goes both ways. compromises are in order, but the question arises of is he worth making a compromise. and i know, i know that liking reading is not a huuuge deal but it is to me! i am an english major, i read like 4 or 5 books a week and someday maybe i want to write one. i truly don't think i can handle being with someone who hates books.
April 5, 2004i’m incredibly happy right now, yet so terribly confused. i keep asking my friends if they know the answers to my questions, but no one does. i would ask anyone, if they knew. i keep wondering if i am doing the right thing, but i don’t know. i keep telling myself i am, but i’m not sure. my mother noticed i have been happier lately. and yes, this is true. but behind the smile she doesn’t see all that i am scared of. i don’t want to graduate college. i don’t want to get a job. i don’t want to be old. i don’t want to put my heart out there just to get hurt. i don’t want to get hurt. i just want to be here, right now, forever. i want to be 21 for another year. i am scared to grow up. i am scared of being alone. i am scared. and no one can help me get over this fear of uncertainty.
April 7, 2004sad. but i understand now. you cannot put the circle peg in the square hole. i mean, if i worked super hard to manipulate the shape, and change the square to a circle, or vice versa, there would be a match. but no one should change to suit someone else. ever. and funny, i feel like i can finally get some sleep.
May 6, 2004today is my last day of college, ever. i graduate on saturday. i move officially into the pink house on monday with my two best friends. life is good.
July 22, 2004this summer has been filled with long walks home from the bars with my girls and the ever changing boys on our arms, running through sprinklers and tons of vegan food. autumn and i have been going out too much, but really, if not now, when? we're young. i say let's enjoy because i know the time will go by so quickly and then what? all i know is i am enjoying every last drop of the now. loving life. wondering what's next...
September 15, 2004um. i just had the best first date of my life.
October 1, 2004holy shit life, you just got a little insane. and insane in a good way, if insane could be good. this is really good.
October 9, 2004in prescott. i cannot sleep so here i am, there he is sleeping in bed, through the rain sound on the windows. last night was so lovely, cave in was mindblowing, i love their new stuff no matter when anyone says, and they played a good deal of both old and new. amazing. and converge was just breathtaking. i throughly enjoyed myself. to top it off, i got to spend time with so many friends i haven’t been able to see in weeks. i love life. and i have the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world waiting for me to come back to sleep.
there, i said it, boyfriend. hank.
December 27, 2004i am falling in love.
January 1, 2005seriously the best new years ever. it was a pretty quiet night; i spent it with hank and a few friends over at kendall’s, and the evening couldn’t have been more perfect. i think it was the first new year’s eve i truly enjoyed from beginning to end. he makes me feel fucking amazing. almost four months now, sometimes i can’t believe how wonderful it is. this year is going to be the best yet, we both decided.
March 3, 2005i love aveda and i love managing this store, but let me get this in writing: after this job ends i will never again work at a place where when people call for directions, you simply say, oh we are located just above the food court. that will just simply not be in my vocabulary.
June 17, 20005i have the best girlfriends in the world. i feel so lucky to have had the same ladies by my side for so long. my heart is happy.
August 7, 2005it is just such a comfort knowing that he is always there for me, even when i am possessed by birth control and act insane (really). but oh, he is my heart. and although he detests pictures, he still lets me take so many. although he doesn't like early mornings, he will wake up to watch the sun rise with me. movie marathons and too much popcorn. late nights at dennys for pie and his coffee. we drive with the windows down listening to music, the summer sun shining in our eyes. holding hands, lots of walks. i've fallen in love with more than just this small town.
November 1, 2005lately i’ve been smiling more than usual, but at the same time i feel like life is going by far too fast. it’s a precarious perch i sit on, teetering between feeling like a kid, and feeling like an adult. i go to work and student teach at the high school, and there, i am the adult. i come home, and that whole persona is gone, and kid danielle comes back. it’s an odd thing to live both.
December 25, 2005it's christmas. i am so tired, but it was an amazing time. i got so many wonderful presents...but the best present ever was a...diamond and sapphire promise ring from hank! i was so surprised. it is absolutely beautiful. THAT is what was in that amazing box i had been eyeing all week. he wrapped it up in about 8 boxes, and finally i found it after unwrapping so many little boxes. it is absolutely stunning. i cried.
January 24, 2006well, i never would have guessed i would say this, the girl who felt too tied down if a relationship went past a month...but i feel so lucky to have found the boy i will marry someday soon, and i feel so fortunate to have found a boy who loves me and every single one of my blindingly obvious flaws, and he holds me and them all up in one bundle, and soothes us to sleep, every night of our life.
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Goodness. So that's a little tour of my little life from such a long time ago, a few tiny glimpses into 1,800 pages of memories. Before I leave you, I wanted to remind you to head over to
ljbook.com if you have an old livejournal or even a blog you want to secure in an offline format. And if you do decide to convert a site for safekeeping, I encourage you to blog some old entries for comparison's sake...and if you're feeling so inclined, post a link here! I'd love to check it out.
Thanks for reading guys, all my love.
xoxo
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