Wednesday, January 21, 2009

life besides life

today was a positive day for me. the entire experience i have gone through with my dad has given me a new outlook on life, as i have had so much time to sit and think while at the hospital for the past five days. we all put so much importance on such silly things, and at first glance it's easy to say those silly things don't matter...but perhaps it's those silly things that make life matter? i don't know if i am making sense. it makes sense in my little head, so i suppose that's all i can hope for. i am in a good place right now mentally, despite the feeling of fear that pops right up in front of my face everytime my mind isn't engaged. when i first heard the news about my dad i felt immediately guilty. if you know me personally, you know that i am very, very close with my parents. i talk to them every day, and visit them almost every weekend, even though i live two hours away. i had an idyllic childhood and basically entire life thanks to them. i'm attached to my mom and dad so strongly, and they are really my best friends. but when i heard the news about my dad i felt like i hadn't done enough. for a weird hour before the news my father was alive was concrete, i realized i had so many things to say to him. so many questions about his life. my father was born and raised in bolivia, traveled all over the world with his family, went to boarding school in south america, and moved to the states when he was 16. he was a nationally recognized wrestler, runner, swimmer, and most notably, soccer player. he played soccer in both n. america and s. america on semi-pro teams. later in life, when we still lived in nj, he traveled all over the world, lived in asia for two weeks at a time, and has been on more adventures than anyone i know. he currently works for the government doing anti-terrorist education and training and is on a 6-person advisory team at the white house in washington, dc. he is also an amazing writer, who is published weekly and is working on a book. throughout his busy life he managed to stay married to my mom, and stay so in love, forty years later. i know all of these broad things, but i don't know every detail. i don't know when he first fell in love, i don't know what he is afraid of, i don't know what his dreams were for himself when he was a child. i want to know so much more. and as hank and i were driving down to phoenix, unsure of my dad's fate, every question i wanted to know, every compliment i wanted to give, every thank you i wanted to express...came to mind. over the past week i have had a chance to spend more time with my amazing father. i have been able to share things with him and talk with him more than i have been able to in the recent past. and it made me realize how sad this life is that it takes a catastrophic event for people to wake up and pay attention to the love around them. i am so thankful my father is alive, and i am so thankful his outcome for the surgery looks to be a positive one. i feel completely changed having gone through the start of this journey into realizing what is important. family is forever. some friends are for life. but all the bullshit, the negativity, it's all so pointless. i want all of the people i love to know i love them. i want to treat every moment as if it is my last. and it is so trite. so, so trite. but it's absolutely true. my dad is getting another chance. i just hope and pray this chance is meant to be longer than this week, and that he pulls through this next step with flying colors. there is just so much more to this life i want to experience with my beautiful dad by my side. i really feel everything will be okay. i know it will.


  1. That was a beautiful post.

    I will be thinking of your family tomorrow. Stay strong for your dad.

  2. I remember as clear as day the moment I heard about my dad's heart attack and all the guilt that came flooding in. It's natural to realize what you've missed out on when you're faced with the possibility of loss. I've said from the beginning that this would turn out to be a kind of blessing in disguise and i really believe it will. Your family will become so much closer now, as you've no doubt already learned. And besides that, your dad will be much healthier because of the surgery. My dad's quadruple bypass 7 years ago gave him a second chance to get healthy and be more active. He takes better care of himself and appreciates his life and health SO much more now.
    I don't mean to sound like a therapist or undermine what you're going through. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone with the whole guilt thing and that I truly understand what you're feeling right now. I think about you and this situation constantly throughout the day and hope as hard as I can that it all turns out beautifully. I have no doubt your dad will work through this and come out even better on the other side. I know it's trite to say but if you feel like you want to talk, or cry or scream or ANYthing, you know where to find me.


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