Tuesday, April 28, 2009

sweet...

I am generally a really sweet girl. Sometimes too sweet, I guess, and I have been called fake numerous times, and disliked for being "too happy." Ha! Seriously though. But lately I sadly feel as if that sweet of my personality is slowly, slowly falling away. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is "growing up," and this is my heart turning a little colder and older, and losing a bit of my childish charm.

AND THIS TERRIFIES ME.

I guess I should feel lucky I am aware of this, but it's scary. I can't figure out if I was just naive before, and now perhaps I am in reality, but something is different. I want to tell all of the shitty people in the world that they're shitty. I want to stop being friends with people because they're shitty. I don't see the good in people anymore, I actually think that most people are shitty. And THAT'S shitty! When did this happen to me?

I have been thinking about this a lot. And also thinking about how I really don't care anymore about always being nice to people because most people aren't nice! I guess the sad part to me is that realization- people aren't nice. Have I changed, or just become more aware of people's true selves? Or have I simply gotten older and changed, and in turn, am surrounded with other older people who have also become a little less nice? I could turn this over in my head forever.

Hank says I think about things too much, not in a negative way, just in a observant way. I agree with him.

I'm definitely a positive person, but my rose-colored glasses are nowhere to be found. I need them back. I want them back! I want to still see people as good, I want my heart to feel light and happy. I never want to lose my child heart, the spark I have for life.

This entire entry makes perfect sense to me, but I wonder if you get it too. Sometimes my thoughts are a bit jumbled, making for a jumbled entry. But I tried...

In other news, today was a pretty okay day. It was the last day of the work week for me. Tomorrow is Rally Day and then two days at Northpoint. This weekend we'll be in Phoenix for a weekend full of friends and fun. I am currently trying to find motivation for a late night gym visit, but I am thinking it may be more beneficial to just head to sleep by 10 and do the gym in the morning.

Either way, I wish you all beautiful dreams!
xo

7 comments:

  1. This entry makes perfect sense to me! Honestly, I went through a long period where I was really negative and saw that everyone around me totally sucked, so I cut them out of my life. Since then, I have been much nicer, much happier and had a more positive outlook. I'm shocked that I am so positive sometimes because it's not something I have ever really experienced, but I think it's because I am realistic about the shitty people and don't have high expectations. I have a small group of people I know I can count on to be wonderful, and if I don't expect anything from anyone else other than those people I can't be disappointed, so I don't get negative. If that makes sense.

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  2. That so makes sense, thanks for the insight. I have always seen things in a super positive way, and lately, like I said, I feel that going away. But I think it really has to do with who I surround myself with. Making changes is good and definitely what I need to do.

    xoxo

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  3. Yuck. Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. I've been called "two-faced" before by one of my BEST guy friends behind my back simply because I stayed best friends with him AND his ex-girlfriend. (It wasn't my fault he was an ass and she broke up with him!) I try to be the positive, supportive, subjective friend and I'm always given an indirect expectation to pick a side.

    It's funny though, once you step away and flush the negative ones out of your life, after a while you notice them creeping back to you in an attempt to soak in some of your sunshine. At least these people give you the opportunity to appreciate the loves of your life! :)

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  4. Your positivity is something that I have always admired about you! Even if it's fading, I think you still have a more positive attitude. And not to mention a better heart that most people I know!

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  5. I think peeps are generally good. well most of the time. I think though that with growing up, at least in my eyes, you tend to want to deal with less bullshit in your life. Especially if you have matured and grown and others have not. I find that is my problem most of the time.

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  6. Aww Hannah thanks! You are so sweet. I am definitely not losing my pma, just my outlook towards people I guess. But don't worry I won't lose it :)

    xoxo

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  7. I've been where you are right now, and I think you can only do and be what is best for you and what makes you happy. I think everyone needs a detox in their life, and that can include the bad people who make you feel icky. You seem like a really sweet and nice person, which in today's society is rare. Stay true to yourself and make the changes you know will make your life better.

    **Another Good Post*

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