I am generally a really sweet girl. Sometimes too sweet, I guess, and I have been called fake numerous times, and disliked for being "too happy." Ha! Seriously though. But lately I sadly feel as if that sweet of my personality is slowly, slowly falling away. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is "growing up," and this is my heart turning a little colder and older, and losing a bit of my childish charm.
AND THIS TERRIFIES ME.
I guess I should feel lucky I am aware of this, but it's scary. I can't figure out if I was just naive before, and now perhaps I am in reality, but something is different. I want to tell all of the shitty people in the world that they're shitty. I want to stop being friends with people because they're shitty. I don't see the good in people anymore, I actually think that most people are shitty. And THAT'S shitty! When did this happen to me?
I have been thinking about this a lot. And also thinking about how I really don't care anymore about always being nice to people because most people aren't nice! I guess the sad part to me is that realization- people aren't nice. Have I changed, or just become more aware of people's true selves? Or have I simply gotten older and changed, and in turn, am surrounded with other older people who have also become a little less nice? I could turn this over in my head forever.
Hank says I think about things too much, not in a negative way, just in a observant way. I agree with him.
I'm definitely a positive person, but my rose-colored glasses are nowhere to be found. I need them back. I want them back! I want to still see people as good, I want my heart to feel light and happy. I never want to lose my child heart, the spark I have for life.
This entire entry makes perfect sense to me, but I wonder if you get it too. Sometimes my thoughts are a bit jumbled, making for a jumbled entry. But I tried...
In other news, today was a pretty okay day. It was the last day of the work week for me. Tomorrow is Rally Day and then two days at Northpoint. This weekend we'll be in Phoenix for a weekend full of friends and fun. I am currently trying to find motivation for a late night gym visit, but I am thinking it may be more beneficial to just head to sleep by 10 and do the gym in the morning.
Either way, I wish you all beautiful dreams!