Saturday, February 20, 2010
Anxiety, I hate you.
Yesterday started out wonderfully. I wore a new dress to school, I had a full day of lesson plans to cover, and I was feeling good. During one of my classes, something that I would typically let slide right by morphed into something else and it began to eat away at me. It was a strange situation with some of my kids, and it got to me, and made me really upset after class was over. Normally I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but it got under my skin and I'm not sure what it was- be it the huge green tea I'd consumed, or the anxious feeling that had quietly been sneaking up a little more day after day this week- but I started to really feel very out of sorts. In my typical fashion I faked it through the rest of my day, smiling and having a grand old time, but inside I was literally shaking like a leaf. If you've read my blog for awhile, you know that I suffer from occasional bouts of anxiety. It's nothing debilitating by any means, but it comes and goes. I've had a few full-blown panic attacks, and they've mainly happened in the shower- heat is a big trigger for me, as weird as it sounds. I started to get that feeling in my mouth- that weird dry taste, my throat started to feel tight, and I knew it was not going to be an easy afternoon. I'm not sure why I'm like this. 98% of the time I am super easy going, positive, take everything with a grain of salt kinda girl. I avoid drama and I despise negativity. But then other times, like yesterday, I obsess and rethink things over and over, until I make myself physically sick. I don't ever talk about specifics because I think that's unethical when dealing with children...and also really unprofessional, but what happened wouldn't usually be a huge deal at all. My normal, rational mind would have been fine- laughed it off, no big deal. I talked with my friend at work about this at length, and she reminded me of this. But because I was in this not-so-good place, it completely spiraled out of control in my mind. And even knowing my thought process was skewed, I was unable to bring myself out of it. So I came home, got into bed, and only got out to eat dinner. Can you guess where I spent then entire night?
I often think about how lucky I am to have so many great days. I rarely have bad days, and whether that be a product of my mindset or my surroundings I don't know. All I know is that when that blue moon arrives, and my bad day hits, it's hard. I don't like that I get like this, but it's not frequent enough that I feel like I need to "see" anyone about it, and I don't take medications...so I cope. It's funny because all week I could feel this coming. I'd have little spells of feeling a bit panicky, then they'd go away. Then yesterday it hit all at once.
I woke up this morning feeling a little better, but not my normal self. I'm trying to pull myself out of it, and I know once I hit the gym in a bit I will be a lot, if not all the way, better. I'm at a point now though, where I think it is good to acknowledge these feelings. I try not to get upset with myself that I feel anxious, or upset...I more so try to accept these as a part of life, as feelings, acknowledge them, and attempt to move on. Typically I am a firm believer in the idea that we choose our own happiness, and I really make this choice every morning when I wake up. I say to myself that yes it IS going to be a good day, and almost all of the time it works. It's hard though, when I don't feel it's necessarily situational and in my control- I think it's something chemical up in that head of mine and no matter how many of my "tricks" I do to cheer myself up, they don't typically work. Feelings like this have progressively gotten fewer and farther in between, so I know that whatever I am doing, it's working. It's just such a bummer when a wonderful day takes such a sour turn.
So, woe is me! Haha. Sorry for this "down" post. When I had my formspring up, I would often get comments like - "how are you so happy all the time?" Here's proof that I'm not! I'm happy most of the time. :)
With that said, do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety or anything of that nature? This has been a question posed on my blog before, but it was when I had just 100 followers. I'm curious to see who else deals with things like this. What are your coping mechanisms? And thank you so much in advance for your input. It can be quite unnerving sharing things like this with thousands of people, but I always feel better once I type it out. Thank you for reading.
I hope all of you have a beautiful day, I am definitely trying! :)