With all of these changes going on in my little world, I've become very evaluative of the people and things in my life as of late. Becoming a mother is the craziest thing I will ever do. If I think really hard about it, and think about Hank and my life, for the rest of our life, it's pretty wild to know that we are bringing a little person along on this journey. It makes me want to cry from happiness, and conversely makes me so, so incredibly scared. What a responsibility. What an insanely terrifying thing to have a little being rely on you completely. And how beautiful it is to be able to create this life, to nurture it, and to give it so much love. I believe that because I'm a thinker, because I take everything apart in my mind, I'm in this evaluative state. In a way, I feel like I'm emotionally nesting and taking inventory of my life, the people in it, and the kind of future I want for our family. Because I've had the same core friends for over a decade, I've had a sense of stability in terms of friendship on a deep level. I've made new friends here and there, but as time marches on, I've found that so many friendships have faded away. It happens. People change, people grow up, people move on. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about relationships. I write a lot about this topic in this space because it's really something that is on my mind a lot.
I have a few questions for all of you, and I'd love your input.
1) Do you have people in your life that you feel obligated to speak to or spend time with just because you have a history and not necessarily because you enjoy your time spent with them? Do you feel guilty if you don't stay in communication? Does it ever feel forced?
2) If so, why do you continue to keep someone in your life if you don't feel they add anything positive to it?
These are some questions I've asked myself recently. I'm at a point now where I just don't care to even deal with the negative. If you bring more negativity to my life than positivity, no thank you. If there isn't a mutual happiness when the other person experiences happiness or success, no thank you. If I feel that you aren't trust worthy, no thank you. I feel like perhaps I sound a bit harsh or a bit "much," but wouldn't you agree that because life is so short, it's pretty imperative to be choosy? When I think about where I am going in my life, and all of the people I love that I want to be a part of it, there is just no time to deal with these negative nellies. And I understand that not everyone is happy all of the time- I'm proof of that. And because I do deal with depression from time to time I understand that part of a friendship is listening to the good and bad, allowing someone to vent, and being there for them rain or shine, through happiness and crises alike. I'm more trying to get at the negative-all-the-time kinda "friend," the person who can't be happy for you when something good happens, the one who always seems to have a negative comment, either direct or indirect. The kind of people who leave you feeling emotionally drained and exhausted. Those are the types of people I'm talking about.
And I'm not sure if all of this made sense. I started typing, and it kind of all came out. The main point is that I feel I am just really emotionally taking stock of my life. I know what works, and I know what doesn't. I know what kind of people I want to surround myself and my family with.