Friday, March 2, 2012

Hourglass

typical morning

Time is a funny thing. It's a theme in my life, if not the governing force. I think about it often. It makes me sad (it's going by too quickly), and it makes me immeasurably happy (another day to spend with my loves). I'm obsessed with it, in a way. I write about it all the time- I often think I have too much of a hold on the olden, golden days. I often think about the fact that I loved my childhood so much that it makes me want to cry knowing it's gone. But then I look at my little darling boy and know that I get to do it again, and make it even better for him.

I think back to when Henry was a baby, the tiniest thing, all nestled in my arms. I remember waking up, and up again, throughout the night. Groundhog Day, repeat, repeat. There were times where I was so tired that I wasn't sure if I would even make it to the morning (dramatic as always), and there were times where I wanted someone, anyone to help me because I felt lost trying to figure out this new job with no handbook or trainer or anyone to say "here, let me show you." But because of my obsession with time and thinking about that little hourglass' sand drop-drop-dropping away in the back of my mind I know those hard nights were to be savored.  Even the worst times, when we didn't know why he was crying, if he would ever stop, the nights where we would take turns pacing with our little man in our arms, crying, inconsolable...those were also the best times. While we were right smack dab in the middle of it I can distinctly remember thinking that this would never, ever happen again. It was depressing and beautiful and real, and knowing that there was such an expiration date on all of it made my heart ache from both loss' anticipation but also because there was so much more goodness to come.

Parenthood is funny like that. It's all too easy to spend your time feeling frustrated with the state you're in, only to miss it when it's gone. What I know for sure is that I don't want to wake up and have my little love all grown up, wondering where it all went. So I will keep being obsessed with the time I have, I will continue to keep my finger on the pulse of this hourglass, I will keep feeling like every single stage is the best part of it all. I will be in the very moment I'm in. Wailing Henry, crying Henry, smiling Henry, little baby, little crawler, little toddler. And when those hard times come, as all hard times inevitable do, I will always remember to whisper to myself, "this is it, this is life." And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

25 comments:

  1. So beautifully said. I also think about time constantly, especially since having a baby and understanding how quickly they really do change. I love that mantra to "enjoy". Thank you.

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  2. So true. I think about this all of the time when my 8 month old still has his crazy nights. I have to say I did a pretty good job of feeling sad and frustrated and then snapping back out of it. Thanks for the reminder :)

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  3. This is such a beautiful post. I hate how quickly time goes by, but knowing that we need to make the most of it makes those moments even that much better. I often think about when I was younger, how amazing and new everything was. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

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  4. as one parent to another...you have to live in the moment. enjoy the moment. life FOR the moment. otherwise, it will slip through your hands and it is gone. and unfortunately, there is no going back in this game. as a mom of three i juggle and balance. i put the computer away, the pen down, and turn off the phone. it is the moments with our children that matter. enjoy those moments with your little henry ;)

    xoxo

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  5. I often get sad too, remember things that have now passed. I hope will remember to whisper this to myself too, as i am about to have my first baby.

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  6. This post gave me chills in all the right ways. Although I don't have a little one, I can relate to feeling like time can pass so quickly and never wanting to look back wondering where it all went, so rather embracing every little moment. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. I'm obsessed with time too + the fact that it seems I never have enough of it. I'm sure it will only get worse when I have a little one. I hate that a lot of it gets spent at a full time job instead of doing what I love :( I can only hope to get to be a stay at home mom, but right now I don't see it being in the cards.

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  8. I hold the moments of holding Judah, rocking him to sleep, trying to figure out why he is crying, those sweet sacred moments dear in my heart. For some reason when you pull your self away from the situation, months/weeks/years later, you see them as sweet moments of trying to figure your little guy out. Of him bonding with you because your the one there to make everything better. I miss those days and I look forward to the days of Judah growing up. Like today I almost cried when he brought home this ball I bought him at Target because he wouldn't let it go. He wanted to bring it with him to his nap. I wanted to cry because my little boy is turning into a little boy.

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  9. I love this, Danielle. It applies to a lot of things that come about in life-- sometimes I feel myself in such a rush to get through college or to move on to when my boyfriend and I are married and ready to start a family together. I'm so tempted to push fast forward and just move beyond all the awkward transitions, but you're absolutely right. "This is it, this is life." Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing.

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  10. My husband & I don't have children yet,but I think this was beautifully written and I can relate to the time thing,nonetheless. :)

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  11. You, my friend, are such a gifted writer. Always so genuine, real, and beautiful. xo.

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  12. BEAUTIFULLY written! Thank you for the reminder - some days thinking like this is a choice.

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  13. I'm literally sitting here with my 7 week twin boys snuggled in each of my arms with my iPad on my lap reaching with my index fingers! What an amazing post to read at this very moment though while one is cuddled into my shoulder, perfectly content and the other is arching his back crying for who knows why!! :) I am constantly thinking exactly what you wrote though. In even the craziest times where I don't know how I'll do it, I think...I will never get this tIme back. It's heartbreaking! And I have to laugh because it has taken me like 10 minutes to type this out between giving kisses and bouncing the crying one and little baby toes touching the screen. :) and now i need to go spend time just staring at them because that's how I want to remember spending these days and this time! Thanks for the reminder! <3

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  14. You make me excited to be a mom someday. I have loved getting to know you and witness all of your trials and tribulations. And I CANNOT wait to see you on Saturday, finally! Love you!<3

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  15. Such true words. I can't speak for parenthood but I think a lot of life is like this too. It's hard to remember when you're going through a rough patch, but I like to try.

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  16. Gosh, I've been feeling exactly like this, these past few days. Phoenix is 4.5 months now and it seems like, "What?!! How did that much time go by already?" The weeks are just flying by and it is so bitterest. Keep holding on to that little baby :)

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  17. A beautiful lesson and one that came too late for me. I was in such a hurry to watch my boy grow up that I didn't take the time to savour every moment. Somehow I blinked and he's nearly 12 years old and I nearly cry looking at the photos of this tiny baby snuggled up on my chest. So lovely to see new mums taking the time to 'stop and smell the roses' and realise every age is a truly magical time.

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  18. I've been living in a pretty much constant state of nostalgia myself lately... I'm not sure if this is a result of writing a lot of essays about the 90s or if writing a lot of essay about the 90s is a result of my current thoughts. Probably goes both ways. I can't speak for being a mom, but time is such a scary and wonderful thing for all of us. The prospect of the future is sometimes so beautiful (this time when everything will come together, everything will be perfect, we'll have everything our hearts desires!) that we feel the present is so lacking... so we go back to the last place in our minds that was so unburdened, and fun, and simple because it's a better place to wait for this ideal future. For the lucky ones among us, that place is childhood. Of course, we never seem to remember that our present will soon be our past and we'll miss it all just the same. It's a funny thing. I love the way you put it into words, every single time that you do. And it makes me excited to have children of my own someday -- to be able to keep a foot in the past, present, and future all at once and have it all be so wonderfully joyful.

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  19. This post makes me sad and nostalgic, ha.

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  20. So true and sad. I can't speak for parenthood yet, hopefully soon, but I feel very nostalgic about my early twenties. Time flys!!!

    http://www.etsy.com/shop/mariascreek?ref=pr_shop_more

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  21. I agree with you, I think all parents go through this.
    I get sooo sad some nights and will just sit and watch my 2.5 year old daughter sleep. Where did the time go?
    I'm due with baby #2 June 2012 and am get so sad imagining that this might be last pregnancy.

    In the book I'm reading "Raising Happiness" it talks about living in the moment and making time to meditate and literally stop to smell the flowers. It's a skill that takes lot of practice, but one I'm starting to work on as of today.

    Thanks for this post.

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  22. wow. beautifully written post. poetic.

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  23. I'm glad I'm not the only one with a fixation on time; what we have left, how we never really know how long we have, how we hark back to days that passed to soon. What a lovely post :)

    www.luluvintagedaydream.blogspot.com

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  24. I loved reading this. My first bub is due in just over three months, and I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet her. But I'm also nervous about what is to come, how I will be as a mother, and how I will cope without sleep night after night. I must remember to savour the times, all the times.

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  25. so beautiful, do you think you'll have another child? a brother or sister for henry?

    Bx

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