Saturday, March 17, 2012

Lucky

birthday weekend

Sometimes I feel like I might be stranger than most people because I think about morbid things like death or loss a little too much. I don't know if you're like this too, but sometimes in a super happy moment or time I'll think about how it won't always be like this and how things always won't be so good. Weird, right? It's only for a second though, but in a way I think it almost helps me really enjoy those good times because I'm hyper-aware of them happening. Sometimes I'll start thinking about this with my parents and it brings me to tears. I recently lost my Grandma and it's bizarre to think about one day losing my own parents. It feels weird to even vocalize this kind of thing here, but it was on my mind as I've spent the past few days with my sweet mama and enjoyed every second of it. I love her SO much, so so much. I can't imagine my world without her, and I can't even begin to think about losing my Mom, like my Dad did a few months ago. So I keep focusing on the now, on the little moments I have with my parents. I take it all in. The way my Mom always seems to have a piece of dark chocolate in her hand anytime after 8pm, how my Dad will always wash my car on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I relish in the hugs and kisses my Mom gives me, even when I pretend to hate it, like my 16-year old self. I love my Dad's tough shell but sweet, sweet heart and my Mom's constant sunshine. I pay attention to the small details, the "make sure you call us when you get home," the "be safe" my Dad always has to say as his last words as we pull out of their driveway, and the way Henry runs to my Mom, arms outstretched, "up up up!"  I take in every single little bit I can, because I know one day it won't be like this. And maybe I'm really weird for having these thoughts, but in a way I'm grateful for them because they remind me to be in the now, and to really pay attention. I never want to take a moment of it for granted.

57 comments:

  1. I do the same thing and I was just talking to my husband about it the other night, wondering if I am the only one who has so many morbid thoughts. And even when it's a super happy event, I still have that thought of " someday they won't be here" or "what if something happens to one of us" It happens a lot more and has a much wider range of scenarios than I wish to describe here, like I just can't turn that part of my brain off, but it is still nice to know that I am not the only one!

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  2. Sometimes I have the most morbid dreams, my family is dying, my city is on fire and so on. This is not what I want to tell though. I lost my grandma on Christmas Eve two years ago and since then everything has changed, the family is torn apart and so on. We all should just enjoy what we have and even throught it sounds cliché, live for the moment.

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  3. Ah yes, I know those thoughts, I have them too. But like you said, it helps us to really be thankful for what we have and cherish every little moment together. So important.

    I wish you a lovely weekend.

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  4. I think similar thoughts, but I tend to think more about how losing a parent would affect my sister or how losing one of his parents would affect my boyfriend or the parent left behind. I'm usually the one people turn to for support and I'm intimidated by having to support somebody through something so huge. I forget to wonder how THEY would cope with supporting ME. But, as you say, this is really a reminder to enjoy being with people now.

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  5. oh wow....I should really stop and take in those moments.
    My mum turned 68 yesterday and living abroad means we cant physically be with each other on special occasions. I miss stuff like this....off to skype now! :) Thanks for the reminder!

    Louise xo

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    Replies
    1. This is my problem my mom is even older and we live abroad now and have not been back home in 3 years. I always think what if I never see her again :(

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    2. i live in a separate country from my mom too, and she's 63. she's not amazingly healthy, and i am always trying to talk to her about what she would want to do if she becomes unwell, and she gets angry with me for being morbid. it's hard not to think of things like that, they're real things that will happen!

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  6. Dear Danielle, I'm lost for words, you have just described in words what I'm feeling. That's why I love to follow your blog, you have such an amazing ability to turn feelings into words. Lots of love from Belgium! Xx

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  7. My mom was just visiting as well and I had the same exact thought! We had been talking about my grandparent's failing health and I was really upset by the thought of losing my mom sometime in the future. Felt too morbid to talk about it, so I am really glad you shared your thoughts. It's always nice to know someone else is experiencing the same thing.

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  8. This is something I think too, and even more so after a close friends partner suddenly passed away at the age of 23 in a freak accident just before Christmas last year. When I think about her, it reminds me to make the most out of my day, to appreciate life and to not waste time on silly pointless things and invest more time in positive feelings and people and circumstances.

    Lauren
    http://tasteslikelove.blogspot.com

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  9. I'm really happy to see I'm not the only one who thinks like this. I had a tricky relationship with my parents growing up, until fairly recently, and I sometimes feel so guilty and upset for wasting that time I had with them. Now I appreciate all the happy moments so so much, and I know they do too.
    This post made me call home too :)

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  10. I do this more then I'd like to admit. It's like we know death is going to happen, it's part of life but when you really stop and think
    "holy cow someday I or he or she won't be here" it knocks you back. But at least it makes us appreciate all this special people and moments more.

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  11. I do the same thing! I don't think it's morbid...more like a way to keep someone from taking life for granted. Besides time flies by way too quickly for us not to relish in every moment. I never thought this until I had kids. I'm glad something got me to start living in the now!

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  12. I think that's a good way to look at things, I lost my mum 7wks ago to cancer, she was my mum and my best friend and I miss her every day. My son only just turned 1 on Tuesday and although it was a lovely day I wish my mum could have been there, she was so in love with my baby boy. So take every opportunity to relish in the moment and make wonderful memories with your parents. x

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  13. Those aren't weird or strange thoughts. I think everybody has them, I know I do. It really does make moments that much sweeter to. You really have to live every moment as if it were you last, or like my Dad loves to say, "Live as if it were you first day here." :)

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  14. This was the perfect post for me to read today. My maternal grandmother died last month, and although I wanted to be there for my mum during her loss, a huge part of me was trying NOT to think about what she was going through- because that would necessarily mean thinking about my own mum's death, which is something I just can't do! Yesterday was my last day in Vancouver where I've been attending a conference, and so I spent it shopping for souvenirs for my family. I was particularly looking for something for my mum, because it's mothers day in the UK tomorrow and I'm home for the weekend. In one shop I found this special notebook you give to your mother with questions on the inside for her to answer, such as "how did you feel when you found out you were having me?" and "as a child what did you want to be when you grew up?" I loved the idea so much. However, I couldn't help but think that some day this book would be a precious record for me of my mother's thoughts when she's no longer around.

    I avoid thinking about this topic, aside from the fact that my mother is my rock, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my mum had me when she was 39, which makes her 58 now- relatively old for a parent of someone my age. Secondly, she is not well- she has a rare brain condition which unfortunately affects her balance, energy levels, and will, in 15 years or so, take her speech. Her illness does not impact on us in the way that something so terrible as cancer would, and everything still seems a long way off in the future- none the less I'm slowly having to reconcile myself to the fact that it will happen. But your article is so right in that we can cherish the now in view of the future inevitable. Thank you for this, and happy UK mothers' day for tomorrow! xxx

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  15. I'm 23 and still have all my grandparents, which is luckier than anyone I know. I worry all the time that one of them will die and since I've gone so long without any experience of death, it will hit me worse. x

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  16. I catch myself asking the same questions and sometimes it
    makes me increbibly sad. Especially when thinking about my parents.
    But like you i try to turn it into something positive and use
    it as a reminder to enjoy the now. Thanks for this post, it made me
    feel less weird about this "habit" :)

    xoxo

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  17. trust me, i am just like that. growing up i almost lost both of my parents in separate car accidents, so it's basically been ingrained in my brain since then. sometimes i think about how i have SO much, and i can't fathom what i would feel like it some of it were taken away.

    6 weeks ago my husband's mother unexpectedly passed away. she was only 49 years old. it's thrown our whole little world for a loop, and my heart breaks every single time i think about how she will never see her grandchildren again. obviously my heart hurts for my husband too, but it's the grandkids part that really gets to me.

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  18. I think it's great that you know to cherish them before something terrible happens. Even though I had over a year's notice that my grandma was going to die, I was terrible to her. I was resentful of what my life was like because she was sick instead of trying to help her through cancer. She was in so much pain, she was so helpless, and there was nothing she could do about it. When she died, my world shattered. She had raised me, she taught me everything I knew. She made me who I am today, and she's gone. Every time I think about it my chest starts to hurt and I want to cry because even 2 years later it's still there with me.

    I know now that I need to put others before myself.

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  19. I have a very vivid memory from a little over two years ago in which I thought about how grateful I was that my parents were young and would likely have a good handful of decades left. Then I lost my dad two weeks later. It breaks my heart that he didn't get to meet my son and vice versa. My husband was only 12 when his dad died. Our grandparents have all been gone since before we reached adulthood. I am so sad that my kids will not know them, and that they're already down both grandfathers. I want them to have amazing relationships with the family they have left, and so I make it a point to help them nurture those relationships.

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  20. I couldn't possible relate more with this post. Sometimes it's a burden - a sweet moment cuddling on the chest of your loved one turning to tears in an instant, but for the most part, you are so right - it's an incredible reminder to appreciate every last moment we get with those we love and to cherish them even more.

    I've had such thoughts since I can remember - especially since I met my now-fiance 4 years ago. There's a 9 year age gap between us and I often think of the statistics - men on average live 6 years less than women combined with his 9 years my senior makes for 15 years of being without him, a thought I can hardly bare. But then I remember that we never know what's to become of us and statistics can become so meaningless on an individual basis and I try to soak up every moment together. A feel many people I know in real life have a hard time understanding this perspective. It's good to know I'm not the only one :)

    I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma. My favorite grandma passed away some time ago and between the thousands of miles between us and family strain towards the end of her life, it still doesn't feel like it happened. It's only when I realize we'll never have a slice of her strawberry swirl pound cake because she never shared the real recipe with anyone that it hits - then I think how funny it is that she and I both tweak recipes when we share them and I smile in her remembrance.
    [My apologies for such a long comment, hope you and your family have a great weekend!]

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  21. Not weird. At all.
    About a year ago my otherwise very healthy father was diagnosed with brain cancer & we almost lost him due to complications after his tumor was removed. He was rushed into an emergency surgery & we were all called to the hospital in the middle of the night. I was sick to my stomach (literally) thinking I may never talk to him again...all the things I wanted to say. He is doing very well now but that experience, that close call, made me realize how quickly things can change.

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  22. That's not weird at all. I have pretty much the same thoughts a lot. But it really does make you just want to live for the now and treasure each moment you have with those that you love.

    Have a good weekend, Dani!

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  23. I lost my Mom this summer from brain cancer. Relish every moment. Savor every memory. Take lots of videos. Hugs.

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  24. Perfect, Danielle.
    I feel like we are soul sisters, hundreds of miles away. I constantly feel this way.
    Reminding myself how good I have it and how it could change at any moment.
    I love that you are so close to your family too.
    Sweet girl.

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  25. This is a very natural thing to feel. Hey let's face it 10/10 people die. BUT THE GREAT NEWS IS .. If you believe that Jesus died for our sins and raised from the dead... We will live eternally in heaven with him. I will be with my loved ones who know Jesus in heaven!! What great hope in that!!!! Can I het an Amen?:)

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  26. I totally know what you mean! All we can do is cherish the time we have because life can take us anywhere at anytime.

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  27. i don't find this strange at all, but perhaps that's because i'm a bit more morbid than you! i do think about losing my parents, and have no idea how i'll be able to handle it--i still need my mom so much, even though i am 27 and live 1000km away from her. the thing that sticks in my mind is the line from the flaming lips song "everyone you know someday will die" and i hope so hard that i have enough time with them before then. and now my mom is at a point where her friends are dying; she's 25 years older than me, but it's not too early to start preparing myself mentally. and someday i will die. people will go through, throw out & redistribute my belongings; i'll have no more chance to impact the world or love the people around me.

    so, yes, you hit it right on the nose. it's so valuable to appreciate the moments as they pass!!

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  28. As anonymous put above, hope in Jesus is what can help get us through the tough stuff (even the tough thoughts). I think about things like you mentioned as well. Sometimes I overthink things... But I agree, that thinking such thoughts like you listed can help put things in perspective. Help us appreciate each moment we are given.

    Btw, I thought that was just my dad's line: "Be safe"!!

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  29. I totally agree. I work at a hospice and have thoughts like this all the time. It used to bother me that I am not associated with any particular religion. I prefer to live with strong morals over having a set of rules that don't really make any sense to me. I used to think about how this would affect me when I am close to death assuming I die of an illness and not just in my sleep. It has been comforting to work at a hospice for about three years and learn that at the end of life most people are not worried about their religion or if they went to church every Sunday or remembered to pray before every meal. I understand that religion is important to some people and I am very thankful for those people too. Have a great St. Patty's Day. xo, rv

    http://aneclecticheap.blogspot.com/

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  30. I do the same thing with my dad...he's getting older and for the first time I can notice signs of aging... Makes me o sad. I lost my grandparents within a year of each other (my grandfather died 3 years ago today actually) and I still think of them often. In a way it's good because you know you aren't taking the people sound you for granted, but I can be stressful. Anyway thank you for sharing these sentiments, very well-written as always!

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  31. I do it constantly with the fear that something will happen to Milo or my husband. I did lose my mom (5 years ago tomorrow) and it's a void and pain like no other. You are SO LUCKY (so damn lucky) that you have both your parents and that you can spend time with them and that Henry gets to spend time with them too. Cherish it, woman. Don't take it for granted because part of life is death and tomorrow isn't promised.

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  32. I have been through a lot of loss over the past few years (including my ex husband turned best friend who was only in his mid 30s), do I think that way often too. I think having those moments is a good thing, because it forces us to really appreciate the things we have now. Nothing is permanent - and that is both scary and amazing.

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  33. Sorry to be depressing but I lost my fiance last year at the age of 23. Everything can be lost in a second without any warning so always treasure the moments you are given with the people you love.

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  34. i understand you so much. thinking about death and about the death of anyone i love brings me in one second to tears.. can't imagine a life without them, srsly.

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  35. I agree with you so much about this...i too think about those things..more so now .. my mom had a really bad stroke in 2010 that has left her unable to do anything on her own ..she cant walk or talk..my sister stays at home and takes care of her...it happened 2 months after my daughter turned a year old and I get sad alot knowing she doesnt get to enjoy my daughter the way other people get to... I am pregnant now with a little boy and its been really hard not to have my mom to talk to about things...so yes enjoy every second and never take things for granted you never know when something can change and how much you would miss those moments

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  36. I think about it all the time. Its horrible, but practically everyday. Not to a point that I can't function, but I'm just so aware that we die and sometimes I just wonder what the whole point is. I haven't lost any grandparents yet, I think when that happens it will only get worse because it means my parents are next and then us. I try to live in the moment as much as I can and really try to just be happy that no matter what our point is here, just to enjoy that we were given it.

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  37. I get the same way sometimes ... those moments before you fall asleep when you seem to think about every possible thing? Losing my mom (and dad ... and close older relatives) does pop up occasionally. I can't even begin to fathom what life would be like without my mom here but I do agree that the times it flashes across my brain remind me to never take her for granted. Maybe there's a reason for these thoughts! Everyone needs a little nudge in the right direction, however morbid it might seem. And hooray for such wonderful mamas!

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  38. I've thought about this quite a bit as I have gotten older and since both of my parents are smokers. It's really kind of scary to think about but like you said, cherish every moment you can because there might not be a tomorrow,ya know?

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  39. Sorry for your loss. I have been having these same thoughts a lot lately after my husband lost his grandma. It makes you realize how short and precious life is and to enjoy it instead of worrying about the small stuff

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  40. I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. Mine doesn't have much time left, and it hurts me so much to even know that's a possibility. And I can so relate to your thoughts. Even as a child, I remember occasionally crying in my bed at night because of the very thought that I could lose my parents someday. Once my mom asked me what was wrong and I made up something about nightmares because I couldn't admit it to her. Anyway, I think we're weird but grateful for having these thoughts. Keep enjoying every moment. We're lucky.

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  41. Oh what a sweet (and sad) post....You have put into words how I feel about my parents and family. I live across the US from my parents and I miss them every day. It tears me up that one day they will not be there for me to talk to and I wish I was closer to I could see them more often before that day comes.

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  42. It's important to appreciate every little moment, so I don't think your thoughts are "weird" or "morbid" at all. Take advantage of every day you have your family, I know I do.

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  43. I lost my mom 2 years ago, I was 2 months pregnant. She was my very best friend, I loved her so so much, too. I think about all the small details about her all of the time. I think especially since losing her, I have those morbid thoughts more often about myself, my husband or our daughter - like something awful happening to one of us because it is a reality. But like you said it's about living in the now and loving every second!

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  44. I know what you mean. I look at my little family and wonder if something terrible is looming in the future for us. But then again, I have peace because I know the Creator, and I know that I have a future, even if its not in this life. I get to spend eternity with Him, and with my family who also know Him, who've passed on before me. And I can sleep peacefully, knowing that even if I die, I will be in a better place on the other side. If you don't have that peace I pray you will.

    The Creator, God, sent His only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 :)

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  45. I used to think about death a lot and just gasp to myself with dread. My dad had a heart attack when I was 16, I am 30 now, and ever since then I have been trying to prepare myself for the death of my parents. It's a part of life to prepare yourself. I always ask myself when I am scared of something, am I afraid of death or am I afraid of life? My husband says that I am super human because I can vocalize things that are devastating with a serious sense of calm and acceptance but still with a sense of empathy. It's good to think of loss because, like you said, it teaches you to breathe in the moment.

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  46. I think this is perhaps my favorite post you've done. I completely understand everything you've wrote in it. I find myself often thinking the same things. I can not begin to imagine my life without my parents, yet both of them have lost theirs, and life continues on. My grandma lived with us for 18 years and she was like a second Mother to me. She was such a huge part of the person I am and became, that when she passed, I just didn't know how I would keep going. But, as time passed, although I still miss seeing her face and physically speak to her, I don't feel as though she is far away. I get what you mean by cherishing every moment, and letting it engrain into your mind, because someday.......it won't be the same.

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  47. wow this is so weird cause my husband and I were JUST taking about how we always think these awful thoughts. It never really happened to me until I became a mom so YES i totally hear you. I just try to shake them off and stay in the here and now.

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  48. Ditto.

    Thanks for being brave enough to share this. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this.

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  49. I'm the same way! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one because it is scary and tiring sometimes thinking about death & loss too much. As my parents get older, I value my time more with them and sadly would rather hang out with them than my own friends sometimes. Family is really important to me even though I have a funny way of showing it sometimes with my parents too.

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  50. You are not alone sweet friend <3

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  51. I AM WITH YOU 100%. This post actually made me feel better about my ever-ticking-mindfulness of tiny moments and the fact that life is so fragile.

    xoxoxo

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  52. I think about these kinds of things too. The thing I'd hate most at the end of my life would be to look back and realize that I had taken little moments and special people for granted.

    Your parents seem so sweet.

    mybillie.blogspot.com

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  53. I think about this too. Nice to know a lot of us think about it!I have always been afraid of loved ones getting older & death for whatever reason.
    I try my best to live in the moment & not take anything for granted.
    Great post!

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  54. I'm just catching up on my favorite blogs, so I just saw this post! I know exactly what you mean- I do this all the time too. I lost my father 5 years ago, and my brother and my sister in 2009, so I think about death a lot. I'll be 30 this year and I can't help but worry about dying at 44 like my sister did, or at 50 like my brother. I wonder if I knew for sure I only had 15-20 years left, how would I live them? I remember being a pretty small kid and worrying about my parents dying, or not being able to sleep through the night because I thought our house was going to burn down or someone was going to break in. I felt so lucky when I was a kid, like I had such a great life, I was so afraid to lose it to something out of my control. I feel the same way now- I love my life so so much and I feel so lucky- but it's like I can't let myself be totally happy because I know I can lose it at a moment's notice. Womp womp. All this to say, I know exactly how you feel, and we must do our best to enjoy these moments! I think it's important to look at things in realistic perspective because it helps us take a closer look. Your parents sound like such wonderful people. You are a lucky lady!

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