Thursday, March 28, 2013
On Feeling Feelings
It's pretty neat though, right? In my kinda-crazy brain I like to think it's my heart's way of making more room in it for another little person to take his or her place in there. Like all of this crying is making my heart's capacity grow and expand, and in 5 months when the tiniest baby arrives I'll be ready. My heart will be ready!
So many things have been tugging on my heart strings, but this album for some reason has had this magical power to make me feel all of these feelings. And the second song. Just listen to that song, and tell me it doesn't evoke something in you. And it's not like it's some meant-to-make-you-cry type of song. Maybe it's the vocals or the cello, but it's just so beautiful to me. On repeat, forever.
Before Henry was born I had all of these images in my mind of how things would be- how it would feel to do certain things- to dance around the kitchen with him, to sit and play the piano with him, to walk holding his hand. And now these things are happening. One day is this day and it's so overwhelming to me, and so overwhelming to my even more over-emotional self that I want to cry at the simple joy in all of it.
And then I remember thinking awhile ago what it would be like to be pregnant again, what it might feel like to say "my kids," to be a mama of two, spending my days surrounded by children. And suddenly, I am here. And almost halfway done with this oft-dreamed-of pregnancy.
Life is beautiful, isn't it? The constant circle, the ebb and flow, the one days becoming the todays, and all of the possibilities to do with it what we will. And one day I'll look back to now, pregnant with our second baby, feeling so happy and emotional and excited, all rolled into one, and it will be amazing to me that I was once there, because I'll be somewhere totally different. Because that's how it works.
Feeling all these feelings and tucking it all away, in the same place I keep the happiest of memories. I want to remember this.