Thursday, July 25, 2013
It's weird, this month has been one of the strangest of my life but still. I feel thankful. It's like this weird kind of thankful- the kind where you think about bad shit and then realize that without the bad, you can't have the good. Or when you talk about death and loss, and then in the same breath find yourself discussing how alive you feel. A strange juxtaposition, both physically and emotionally. But amidst it all, the weird, bad, sad, strange, I have this elation bubbling up inside of me. Every single morning I have this opportunity to make the right choices, to be a loving wife, an engaged mother, a good friend. I have this time left. And sure, it's hard to get it all right, all at once. But still. There's that opportunity. And so I try my best, and this past week I have been so grateful for so many small things- the excitement on Henry's face the moment he wakes up (knowing he loves his life so much makes my whole world right), the way I just feel at home when I'm next to Hank, or Madeline's boundless affection, even when I'm in my own bubble and don't pay the most attention to her.
This space has been good for me. I haven't taken many photos lately (I keep having to use old photos at the top of posts)- and I miss that- but I'm starting to feel like I want to. And these little things, the little bits of gratitude that just stack up in my mind, they remind me that life is so, so good.
So many other things going on in my brain:
The other day I tweeted the quote "you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with," and it really got me thinking. It goes along with that whole idea of "you are the company you keep," and I think there is so much truth to that, both in the "real world," and the online world. I have made the mistake over and over again of allowing people into my world who do not bring out the best in me. Admittedly I can be someone who can get right into a gossip session (so horrible), but then after I feel disgusting and crappy and I hate it. There are certain relationships in my life where it seems that's the bulk of what there is to discuss, and that's sad. I don't want to be that. And it goes back to the 5 people quote. Who do you spend the most time communicating with online? Those people reflect you, in a way, I think. Who do you spend the most time with? For me, it's Henry, Hank, Madeline, my Mom and sister. And that's pretty awesome. I feel good I'm the sum of the five best people I know. And I need to keep that in mind in all areas of my life.
I've also been thinking about how much I've enjoyed writing so many more real things in this space lately, be it sad or happy, or whatever. It makes me feel good to just write for me, and then share it, with the sharing part as an afterthought, not something going on in my mind as I'm writing, which has always been the part of blogging I've struggled with.
I've been wondering lately about Charlie, now that we're down to just three weeks. What will he look like? What will he be like? It's so strange because when I think of our child, I think of Henry. I only know Henry. I know what he looks like, what he is like, and it's really hard to even wrap my mind around the fact that there's a whole new definition of "our kid" making his way into our world.
Random. If you've read this far, thanks. I think every blog deserves a nice little brain dump now and again. Try it sometime, I bet you'll like it. ;)