Friday, November 1, 2013
This One's For All The Girls In The Middle Of It.
If you're anything like me sometimes when things are really good, you think about how it can't stay this way. You might think about how sad it is that no matter how happy you are, it won't always be so. But there's another side to this, a good side, because this mindset allows you to know in the thick of things, when days might not be the best, they will get better. Because at the root of it all, nothing ever stays the same. Our whole story is always getting written, and we don't get to know the end. Or even where we are in it. So all we can do is keep going along, figuring things out piece by piece, having faith in something (maybe a god or a person or an idea or even just ourselves) and crossing our fingers that the choices we make end up being the right ones.
I think a lot about the past, because by nature I'm a storyteller and all of it- the stories, the things, the people, the places- they all roll into the very today I'm standing upon right now. And this fascinates me to no end. I think about little moments from way back when, decisions I made, and my mind can spin in all directions thinking about how whatever instance I think of, big or small, had a hand in me sitting here right now typing this, both babies asleep in their rooms, a husband at band practice, a basketball game on the television that I forgot to turn off when I walked in the door, and a dog snoring soundly beside me. It's wild.
And I think about being the middle of things, and how we often don't know it's the middle, you know? We get so wrapped up that we don't always think about the fact that it won't always be this way. I think back to this one time, I had to be about 20, when a boyfriend I "loved" moved away. And hand to heart, I thought I would just die. And I think about before that, being 19 and in college and convincing myself I was fat. And how I would think about it all of the time, until it spilled into every area of my life- eating less, exercising more, trying to become smaller and smaller. And how I felt so sad, but no one really knew. This was before I realized that there is life outside of my own head, when I felt like that. That I could and would feel better. And so much more- I think most people could go down the list and think about all these things in their lives where you become so immersed in the NOW, in the sad or the mad or the bad, that nothing else seems to matter.
But guess what? The boy moved away. I survived. I dated more, I experienced different people and places, and when I was 22 I met the love of my life. And tonight I went to the gym, but I didn't go because I "needed" to burn 800 calories. I went because I wanted to feel good and have me time- I went to enjoy myself, not punish myself. It's so weird to think about things like this, that I don't ever think about, and realize how I'm on the other side of it now and how things that I felt were all-encompassing and so upsetting at the time aren't even a blip on the radar now.
We all have our things. The tough stuff. The totally shitty stuff that makes us feel really alone, even when we're not. We're all in the middle together, even though our stories may be drastically different. But I can say with certainty, it will get better. Maybe not today, or even tomorrow, but because life is life and it keeps on going, it will. And to be honest, it will probably get hard again too, but if you keep in mind that there's always good on the horizon, somewhere, somehow, it makes the middle just a little more bearable.