Wednesday, January 22, 2014

On Marriage

Family Photos, November 2011

I was just thinking about marriage, and how, when you really think about it, it's pretty crazy that two people choose just one person to spend all of their life with. I mean it's not crazy to me on my own personal level, but the whole broader concept is slightly crazy. Right? So yesterday Hank raced home from work so I could squeeze in a run before the sun went down (I turned my alarm off in my sleep that morning), and that little gesture kind of filled up my entire run, just thinking about it and him and our marriage and marriage in general. To find that other person in this big world that just gets you and your weird ways, and you get them and their weird ways, to me that seems like the biggest lottery win ever. Hank and I talk about that often, discussing how wild it is to find your person, out of all the people in all of the world. And if your circumstances change, would your person still be that person? Would you find that person no matter what, or would you never know, and settle into a different life with a different somebody, never knowing the difference? I could go on.

So anyway I was on this run thinking about Hank and all of the little things he does that maybe he doesn't even notice he does, that mean more than anything to me. And I think in any good marriage that's how it goes- you become so in tune with one another that you just know what that person needs, and then you give it to them, and maybe in a way you don't really even know you're doing it. For instance right now I'm sitting in our bedroom typing this. This is my me time. And just as Hank goes into his office and writes music, that is his. We often spend time on our own during the week, doing our own thing, but it's this comfortable orbiting around each other, meeting in the kitchen to share a snack, meeting on the couch to watch an episode of Modern Family then going back to finish whatever we're working on. In this way I think we are both able to feel whole. Him, writing his music and tinkering with his electronics and organizing his vinyl toys. And me reading books and writing here and there and watching stupid television. But we are both in our home and I can feel him here and it's the most wonderful, comfortable thing in the world.

A lot of people talk about marrying your best friend and I heard it a lot before I got married- "No matter what you do, make sure you marry your best friend." Always the biggest piece of advice you hear from married people, right? And now we've been together for a decade and I get it. I understand what it means, in a very real way, more than I ever did before. I always knew he was the one for me and that I loved him beyond measure but after you've been together awhile and all the newness goes away and life gets hard, you are left with each other. And this is my person. Hank is the human being who I will go through every single thing in my life with. It's beyond anything I could comprehend when we actually got married, although if you would have asked me then I would have said I did understand, and I probably thought I did. It wasn't until I saw us getting older together, losing people we love together, becoming parents, leaning on each other, being partners through all of our twenties and growing closer rather than apart...it clicked.

So last night when Hank hurried home, rushing in the door and taking Charlie, finishing dinner with Henry and saying "go, go go!" with a smile on his face, I spent the next forty minutes on that run just feeling so goddamn thankful I could have cried. I am so grateful to have this person in my life who just gets me, and accepts me for me, just as I am. I'm grateful for all of the little things, all of the I love yous without ever saying it, all of the everyday things that are so tiny but so big at the same time.

xoxo


54 comments:

  1. I married my husband nearly 28 years ago in my 21st year (I was 20 but not yet 21). I drive him to distraction and vica versa, but we also make each other laugh, we get each other and we love each other.

    We too don't spend 24 hours together. We are not joined at the hips, I blog (which my husband so doesn't get) and I sew, so I am upstairs in my room while he is downstairs doing his thing, but we do do lots of things together and do things for each other. Its all the things you said...

    I couldn't image my life with anyone else.

    As always Danielle, beautifully said.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephanie,

      Thank you so much for sharing this. And 28 years, that is so exciting and wonderful. I love hearing stories like yours- sending you a ton of love this morning and thank you again for reading.

      <3

      Delete
  2. It gives me hope in my young life to see that real love does exist. I will never stop believing that.
    Thank you so much.
    Emma
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emma, thank you for commenting. And YES it exists. You will find it! <3

      Delete
  3. Thank you!I just love this post!My husband&I have been together for 13years,married for 5 of them.I love him more each day&cant imagine my life without him!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I actually touched on this topic briefly in one of my blog posts (linked below). I think being friends in a relationship is essential and wonderful. It's nice to find someone who knows all your strange intricacies and goes right along with them, while also being incredibly in tune with your wants and needs. I'm so glad that you have found your best friend in Hank. :)

    http://www.wanderlyn.com/the-perks-of-quirks/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't wait to go check out your post- I love everything you wrote above. I feel lucky:)

      Delete
  5. This may be one of my favorite posts of yours :)

    My husband and I have been good friends for 7 years, a couple for 3 and are closing in on our first married anniversary. So, I guess you could say I'm in that chapter where I *think* I know what it means to be married to my best friend, but your post makes me SO look forward to the days down the road when I look back at this chapter and realize just how little I knew!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Olivia! I still feel like I don't know much either but it is fun to have things start to really make sense. I love that you guys were friends for so long before getting together. Such a great way to start a relationship! Love to you guys xo

      Delete
  6. And now I'm getting all teary at my desk at work. grrreeeeaaattt.

    ReplyDelete
  7. what an amazing post. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to read about how much you love your kids, AND how much you appreciate your husband and how you are still growing closer together. it is a wonderful thing to find a voice as clear and thoughtful as yours!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for such a kind and thoughtful comment, you've made my morning. :)

      Delete
  8. Beyond beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. Once again, you make me happy about where I am right now, but excited that this is what the future could hold as well. Xo

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is a really inspiring post for someone who isn't yet married. I look forward to it, and love learning from people who are going through it. Thanks so much for sharing!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh my! This brought tears to my eyes! It is so encouraging to hear about happy relationships/marriages especially when it seems that so many around us are struggling and getting divorced - even at my age (25)! You and Hank have a very special thing. Keep it up ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thankful every day for my man. The one who will run to the store when i'm sick just so I can eat sourdough toast because nothing else sounds good to eat. Almost 25 years. And better now than ever.

    ReplyDelete
  12. love this! I married my husband almost 12 years ago after being together just four months... three kids later, and I couldn't imagine a life without him in it. Sure, we drive each other crazy sometimes, we both do our own thing in the house like you too... I'll be blogging or making jewelry, he'll be drawing up designs for something he's going to make, or out sawing and hammering... Every day it's those little things... he'll lay the fire before he goes to work so it's ready for me to light, he writes a 'I love you' on the chalkboard... we've grown up together, he is my other half and I am so lucky <3

    ReplyDelete
  13. All of this: YES! I love you guys and your sweet family.

    ReplyDelete
  14. this made me cry (silly post-partum hormones). so so sweet!

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is perfect. Today actually marks 8 years of being together for my husband and I we've only been married for almost 2 years but we just get each other so well and he is definitely my best friend. When all the newness goes away and you can be you and having the other person love you no matter what and understand your needs without ever having to say anything, thats the best feeling. We're still figuring things out on the marriage front since its still so fresh but I think we're doing a darn good job at it! I giggled to myself when you said that you guys do your own thing and meet in the kitchen for a snack or watch a episode of your show together and then get back to what you were doing because that is SO us some evenings or we'll text each other silly emoticons from the other lol and i wonder if thats even a normal thing to do but for us it just is. Thanks so much for your most, you definitely were spot on with so many things! :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is so beautiful and so true. They have to be your best friend. Glad you found your person!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Danielle,

    Such a good read! So beautiful! My fiance and I have been together for 16+ years. High school sweethearts. The best friend thing could not be more true. I have often thought the same about finding your person. Especially at such a young age. I wonder if we hadn't met all of those years ago waiting in line for the movies, would we still have somehow found each other? I like to think so :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Absolutely LOVED reading this <3 I recently got engaged and it's so lovely to hear other peoples thoughts and experiences on their own marriage. You couldn't have described true love any better. I'm so so excited to be a wife! :)
    Amy x

    akamidge.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank you, for the simple and beautiful post about your husband. Its nice to know other people feel the same way about their marriage as I do. It feels so good, years into a relationship, when a small and simple gesture from your spouse can fill your heart with such gratefulness and love. Years ago when we married, I had fears of sharing my life with only one person, how could love last so long? But it does, and its the littlest moments and gestures that not only keep is alive but make it stronger. Your a smart person for recognizing this, not everybody does.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Very well put. My husband and I are the same way, eerily so, right down to taking a break to watch one of our shows together, the going back to our own activities. My husband and I were friends for a few years before dating each other (I actually tried to set him up with a friend of mine, good thing that flopped miserably!) and we have now been together almost 14 years and have a wonderful almost 2 yr old daughter together. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Really beautiful blog post...I feel the exact same way and yet always feel such a sense of wonder that this "soulmates thing" exists, that my husband and I were lucky enough to find each other, that we just get each other the way we do, and that we even get the opportunity to grow together throughout the rest of our lives.
    We are still at the beginning, with only a couple of years under our marriage belts, though we were friends for 10 years before dating. It feels like I've know him for so long, in so many different ways, on so many levels. It just gets better every year, even through the hardest parts of life.
    This post really spoke to me-thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I agree- such a beautiful, heartfelt post. But what struck me was how grateful YOU are. Yes, it's wonderful that you found each other and yes, it is amazing when you find that right person. I also think your outlook on life and your ability to be grateful for every gift makes a partnership that much more successful! You seem like such a positive, humble person, and that is beautiful.

    My husband and I have been together almost 14 years now- we met when we were teenagers! Now we have three little boys and I honestly couldn't love him more if I tried.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I love how you refer to Hank as "your person" that is exactly how I feel about my husband. And that feeling that your heart will explode from their kindness I get that too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *I actuly love reading through this blog.Thanks a lot. Thanks for this blog....

      Delete
  24. Wonderful post!! Such great words and a wonderful way to look at your marriage!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Such a beautiful post <3 I'm not married, but in a few days, my boyfriend and I will celebrate our 10 years together, and I can relate to what you said!

    ReplyDelete
  26. This is so lovely and a sentiment that I truly share - marrying your best friend is so important but that person also becomes such a deeper friend as you share your life, parenting and growing out of your twenties into this big adult world. We are truly lucky people to have found our people!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Beautiful! I totally get what you mean about the chances of finding that one person who can be your everything. I met my husband when I was 16 and I knew it was different with him and here we are 14 years later married with three kids, I wouldn't change a thing. It's so sweet how that little simple gesture can mean so much in a relationship :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. simply amazing! it really is one of the greatest thing to find in life is someone that you can spend and experience life with :) i've found my special someone too and I'm so grateful every minute of every day <3

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is beautiful! What a great perspective of love and marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I agree that it is crazy two people meet and then become such important people in each other’s lives. You’re right that what is the coolest is that this other person gets all your weird quirks and doesn’t make you feel bad for them. Hank is so sweet to race home from work so you could go on your run. That’s true love:)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Very sweet!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I love this. The longer I'm married the more I'm sure I picked the right one. Funny how we think we knew everything back when we were so young.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mabye its instinct. We are mammals after all.

      Delete
  33. I live with my boyfriend and at times when we are in the same room (we live in a flat) concentrating on different things (I blog and hes gaming) I have worried that maybe it was a sign our relationship wasnt awsome as I have always thought u spent every minute with each other when in each others company. But the above comments and this post and life experience has taught me that its normal and my worry was very naive. haha

    ReplyDelete
  34. This is so sweet and touching. I have been married going on 4 years. I can truly say my husband is my best friend and there is no one else I would rather be with.

    ReplyDelete
  35. This is such a sweet post. I actually just married my best friend in October 2013. Even though we haven't been married for very long, we lived together for awhile before actually tying the knot and I really can't imagine my life without him. It's really amazing how two people can be so in tune with each other and can anticipate each other's needs so easily and readily.

    ReplyDelete
  36. This is really sweet. I'll be married 2 years this summer, but together for over six years and it's crazy how it all just fits so perfectly, you know? Even those bad bumps in the road aren't so bad because there's this teamwork pulling through. Marriage is a pretty amazing thing.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Wow this post really just hit me hard. In fact, just because of the title I made sure to turn off all other distractions so that I could really LISTEN to you. And what's funny about it for me is that I'm not even married yet. I've been with my fella for over five years now (living together for about 2.5) and been YEARNING to just finally make the plunge so we can start that chapter together. But of course.... it's really up to him as we've discussed. He knows where I'm at with it all.

    Anyway--- I digress but what I wanted to say was that this post spoke to me in a way that I already have that person. It doesn't matter that we haven't married yet. We will when it's our time to do so. But we've ALREADY started our life together and have intertwined ourselves in this way you speak of. And it was refreshing to know that I HAVE that with someone and I hadn't even really seen in fully.

    This line in particular hit me "all of the I love yous without ever saying it" because I'm always telling him I can never hear those words enough but really he's showing me the love ALL day EVERYDAY in so MANY little ways. I just need to learn how to listen/see/feel what he's doing.

    Thank you sweet friend (although we've never met)....
    and I do believe I owe you a LONG overdue email response. So sorry for that!

    ReplyDelete
  38. i know this is a wee bit late but i really loved this post and this is what i want one day. you have no idea. <3 but i have to ask, did you ever have any doubts? like that he may not be right or what if it didn't work?

    ReplyDelete
  39. Well, that is just such a lovely sentiment. We old married folks can sometimes forget how lucky we are to have found our "person"...I'm grateful for the reminder :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Thank you for this beautiful post.

    As a newlywed, I have yet to know the struggles of the future...but we know there will be struggles. It is always so uplifting (in a weird way) to know that marriage can be work, but the fruits of it are endless.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Danielle, this was lovely. It's so refreshing to read such a positive depiction of marriage and how beautiful it truly is. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Crying right now from how beautiful this post is!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. I just read this post again and I can't get over what a beautiful description this is.

    ReplyDelete
  44. i just stumbled upon your page and i am now a follower - i love this post and cant wait to explore your page!

    ReplyDelete

 
Blogging tips