Monday, May 12, 2014

My Mirrors: Thoughts On Being A Mama

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Being a parent saved me, you know. If I was to try and simplify it, I would tell you that I see myself as a very flawed person on a journey to become less flawed. I feel lucky to be surrounded by people who see all of it and love me all the same and push me to be better, and I do the same for them. But when I became a mother it was as if some dark parts of me fell away, and every morning when I wake up and I am given this opportunity to be better, to be my best, I am able to renew and move forward. Grateful is an understatement. For a long time I wasn't sure what my purpose here was, and one day I realized that it was much simpler than I was making it out to be- we're all here to love and be loved. And having children in your life, in any capacity, brings such clarity to this idea. I wake up and see these faces. Joy. Innocence. A mirror really, looking right back at me. Two mirrors. And all I know is that my purpose is to love these little babies with everything I have with this one chance I've been given. And so that first morning in November when they laid Henry on my chest, and then that second morning in August when Charlie arrived, everything changed. Most mothers will tell you that when they birth their child (or meet their child, or adopt their child, or find their child), there is a distinct marker placed in their story. Then and now. I have two. So this flawed person that I see, that I've always seen, looking back at me when I've looked in the bathroom, bedroom, hallway mirror, has fallen away more and more as I am given the opportunity to look at the two mirrors right in front of me. I have been able to see myself through my boys, to see a loving, selfless, kind person who does the best she can. And who loves so hard and so fiercely. I am able to move forward and forgive myself and others, to see beauty in the small bits I may have overlooked before; rolls on a baby's wrist, the way a small nose scrunches in laughter, a brown leaf slowly, slowly drifting to the earth...and in myself. What a gift these two boys have given me, in simply existing. What a gift to be their mama and to be able to grow right alongside of them, as they learn how to be children and I learn how to be a parent; to be able to see myself more clearly and in turn strive to be better, better, better every single day.


Happy Mother's Day to you. I hope you had a wonderful day- I'll share photos from our weekend in Tucson tomorrow. xo

12 comments:

  1. I was just blown away by the perfect timing of this post! I was thinking today about what a flawed person I am and how much I've grown. You are lovely and so relatable. Thank you! 💛

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  2. This is such a beautiful post Dani! Sometimes I think I think about the dark parts of myself too much, and my son has this way of pulling me out of that and either gives me a reason to look at the bright side of my soul or gives me a distraction (a good one!). Thank you for writing this. It has given me a lot to think about! Happy (belated) mother's day to you!

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  3. Wow. This was so beautiful. I read it early this morning and it brought tears to my eyes. Your boys are so very lucky to have you. xoxoxo

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  4. So beautiful! Being a Mama is the absolute best, and I feel so lucky to be one. Thanks for sharing such sweet words!

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  5. I totally relate! I was just thinking today as I walked into work that in the seven months that I've been a mom I have been so less anxious and depressed (I'm busy, and stressed, but these feelings are related more to activities than an always-present emotional weight). Will it still feel this way as our kids grow, once they are grown?

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  6. This is so beautiful...you are a great mama xo

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  7. I am not a parent, but this still really spoke to me. So beautiful. And even though I am not a parent I have this experience (on lesser level) as a teacher. So I am grateful that you added the caveat that having children in your life in any capacity can bring clarity to the idea that we are here to love and be loved. My students have certainly done that for me.

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  8. Wonderfully written! I'm sure your boys love you and are beyond grateful to have you everyday!! Happy belated Mother's Day!! :)

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  9. So eloquently said. Thanks for sharing.

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