So. Right now life is wonderful. It feels very simple, and I like that. I've had this quote on my mind for sometime- "Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care that they get," and it's a good marker for life right now. I'm focused. I feel so proud of my marriage and proud of this family we've grown, and I know it's because that's where my whole self is. And I don't mean physically because here is where I am, but because my family is where my care goes. Hank and I work hard to be the best we can be (perfect, never, not even close...but trying our best always), and I feel like that is reflected in the love felt here. So for that I am grateful, and that is the major source of my happiness and allowing the phrase "life is wonderful" to have a place here in this post.
However, I often feel like I fail at being a Mom, but I equally feel like I'm doing a great job. Weird, right? It goes back to that second paragraph though; we try and try our best, but of course with that statement comes the realization that by saying "try" there isn't always a success. Sometimes at night I will lay in bed and think of all the things I did wrong- "I let Henry see that I was annoyed with him," "I told him 'not right now, wait until I'm done with _____' more than I should," "we didn't even leave the house once." It's so easy to discount an entire day based on things I feel like I did wrong, so lately I've been trying to focus on the other side of it and realize that I am doing a good job. Although I do think that maybe if I didn't feel like I was failing from time to time it wouldn't allow me to grow into a better mother.
And then of course summer feels strange this year as the one-year anniversary of Andrew's death gets closer. It feels like everywhere I look there's something, somewhere, honoring our 19 firefighters, and Andrew's photo hung up or posted reminding me that yes, he really is gone. Do you know that feeling, where you think someone is going to pop out and say "hey guys, just kidding, here I am!"? I still feel that way sometimes, like I'll hear him yelling my name across the grocery store, jogging over with that huge smile, ruffling Henry's hair and hugging us all. It's very sad.
Overall though things are trucking along, we have our health, we have each other, and we're also talking about trying for another child. I always knew I wanted a big family, and sometimes it seems scary to imagine three (!) kids, but we are so excited. This won't be happening for a bit, but as we've discovered now with Charlie coming so close to turning one, time moves quickly.
So the state of me? If I had to sum it up I'd say I've never been better. It's not even that things are necessarily better, but perhaps it's that I am getting better about understanding myself, and if I've learned anything over the past few years it's that self-awareness and understanding are imperative to my happiness. I'm also learning that "good" is relative and the bad and sad things have a place in good's realm too, because at the end of the day, it's all a part of the experience. Most of all, when I think about my right now, I am just overwhelmed with such a sense of happiness and joy and excitement...and most of all, gratitude.
So, how about you? Link up in the comments below, and be sure to leave a little excerpt from your entry too. I can't wait to check them out.
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Read previous Journal Days here.