Sunday, June 22, 2014

Journal Day #13

This week, write a "State of Me" address. Write about how you're really doing- what you've been thinking, what you've been up to. What have you accomplished lately? Where is there room for growth? Where are you right now in life and where are you headed? Current joys, currents sadness...write it all out. Discuss the current state of YOU. 

I've had a little bit of time to think about this prompt after writing it last week. This past year has been a good one, and I talked a lot about that when I turned 32 last month. But rather than looking back over the past year, this is about right now and how I am, how things are, how life is, in this very moment.

So. Right now life is wonderful. It feels very simple, and I like that. I've had this quote on my mind for sometime- "Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care that they get," and it's a good marker for life right now. I'm focused. I feel so proud of my marriage and proud of this family we've grown, and I know it's because that's where my whole self is. And I don't mean physically because here is where I am, but because my family is where my care goes. Hank and I work hard to be the best we can be (perfect, never, not even close...but trying our best always), and I feel like that is reflected in the love felt here. So for that I am grateful, and that is the major source of my happiness and allowing the phrase "life is wonderful" to have a place here in this post.

However, I often feel like I fail at being a Mom, but I equally feel like I'm doing a great job. Weird, right? It goes back to that second paragraph though; we try and try our best, but of course with that statement comes the realization that by saying "try" there isn't always a success. Sometimes at night I will lay in bed and think of all the things I did wrong- "I let Henry see that I was annoyed with him," "I told him 'not right now, wait until I'm done with _____' more than I should," "we didn't even leave the house once." It's so easy to discount an entire day based on things I feel like I did wrong, so lately I've been trying to focus on the other side of it and realize that I am doing a good job. Although I do think that maybe if I didn't feel like I was failing from time to time it wouldn't allow me to grow into a better mother.

And then of course summer feels strange this year as the one-year anniversary of Andrew's death gets closer. It feels like everywhere I look there's something, somewhere, honoring our 19 firefighters, and Andrew's photo hung up or posted reminding me that yes, he really is gone. Do you know that feeling, where you think someone is going to pop out and say "hey guys, just kidding, here I am!"? I still feel that way sometimes, like I'll hear him yelling my name across the grocery store, jogging over with that huge smile, ruffling Henry's hair and hugging us all. It's very sad.

Overall though things are trucking along, we have our health, we have each other, and we're also talking about trying for another child. I always knew I wanted a big family, and sometimes it seems scary to imagine three (!) kids, but we are so excited. This won't be happening for a bit, but as we've discovered now with Charlie coming so close to turning one, time moves quickly.

So the state of me? If I had to sum it up I'd say I've never been better. It's not even that things are necessarily better, but perhaps it's that I am getting better about understanding myself, and if I've learned anything over the past few years it's that self-awareness and understanding are imperative to my happiness. I'm also learning that "good" is relative and the bad and sad things have a place in good's realm too, because at the end of the day, it's all a part of the experience. Most of all, when I think about my right now, I am just overwhelmed with such a sense of happiness and joy and excitement...and most of all, gratitude.

So, how about you? Link up in the comments below, and be sure to leave a little excerpt from your entry too. I can't wait to check them out.

Read more about my Journal Day project here.
Read previous Journal Days here.


  1. Thanks for the prompt this week! It got me to write a post after four months of silence.

    "Things will get easier. Time will pass, my children will grow older, my day-to-day workload will decrease and I will finally have time to accomplish all of the everything I dream about now. And yet... I can't type those words without wanting to cry. "These are the glory days," my in-laws keep telling me. "These are the days you'll look back on and say, those were the days." And I can feel it. I can feel it, and feel the passage of time fighting against these moments we have together almost tangibly. I see it in the length of their fingernails, and the budding freckles on their cheeks, and their laughs, and their words, and their faces."

  2. I completely understand what you mean by feeling like you completely fail as a parent, but you know you're doing a good job. Parenting is a funny thing, isn't it?! Glad to hear that you're feeling great!

    Here is a little snippet from mine: "Hi, my name is Megan and I'm shy. I also suffer from bitchy resting face, which really isn't my fault but it's something I'm working on."

    Loving The Littles

  3. I really love your honesty here, especially about feeling like you're failing at motherhood sometimes. I think it's something most mothers can identify with at some point. There are good days and bad days, so don't be too hard on yourself! Thanks fo such a great prompt!

    "Life is as uncertain as ever, but I think the direction I'm in is a good one. I cannot even believe how fortunate I am to have what I have at such a young age, and it's really hard to believe that things can only really get better from here."

  4. I always want to share my piece/peace on these topics but I always feel as if I'm not "good enough" to write or share. Your vulnerability makes me want to take that extra step and hit publish <3

  5. I really enjoy reading your posts, it's such a special thing to be able to share a chunk of yourself with someone in this way.

    Every week I write a response and leave it in my drafts but here goes. Here's my little excerpt;

    "When I look back I’m not really sure how any of this really changed. How it suddenly feels good to be here, to turn these pages and read this story that I feel like I’ve heard so much about."


    "As I take better care of myself, I'm realizing that, for me, self-care is something that needs to be directly taught. I have to force myself to schedule hair cuts, order contacts, or dress in something other than yoga pants. In preparation for summer I've reordered my contacts so I can stop wearing my frumpy glasses on sunny days and practiced my headscarf game to add flair to my simple summer outfits... I'm not waiting for my goal weight to look cute again."

    Thank you for such a fun prompt. I'm a teacher about to start my summer, and it gave me a great feeling for exactly where I am and what I want my time off to be!

  7. Love these prompts! This week felt a little thrown together, as my mind was all over the place, but here it is!

    "I want to make some changes… a variety of changes all across the board. Some big, some small, some important, and some not so important… like changing the color of a wall."

  8. I love how honest you are in this post. Although I'm not a Mom, I really connected with " I often feel like I fail at being a Mom, but I equally feel like I'm doing a great job." It just reminded me about where I personally am in life right now.

  9. I enjoy reading your posts, especially all the honesty you share here. I think I might join up next week :)

  10. Love the Journal Day idea! I think we all think we fail as mothers, but we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves because we are doing what we think is best for our children.

    "I'm a 28 year old woman with 3 handsome sons and a boyfriend with a daughter. I've been married and have been separated 5 years. I met my boyfriend at a perfect time in my life because I had found "me" again."

  11. I really relate to what you're feeling at the moment, especially feeling like I'm currently the best version of myself I've yet been. I think it's awesome that we continually grow and learn, and wrote a bit about that in my post:

    "In these next few weeks I feel almost as though I'm taking a breath, taking it all in and reflecting on the academic year, before summer starts and I will be crazy-busy in the best possible way. So I guess that's the state of me right now; happy, grateful, reflecting, and anticipating summer."

    Anna xx | The Girl In The Moon

  12. I'm so late with this response this time, but I finally posted it today! Thanks for the prompt.

    "We're in an interesting place right now. Our wedding is less than two months away, which is a big symbolic change in who we are. We'll see what other kind of changes it brings. September will certainly free up a lot of time for other endeavors, though. I'm looking forward to having the time to seriously look at houses, as one of our goals is to become homeowners. This crazy market should make that an interesting challenge. Overall, we're moving forward. In a lot of ways we know what we want, but we've also still got a lot of figuring out to do."

  13. I love getting to hear about where you are right now in your life. I'm sorry about Andrew. Lately I've been really thinking about my aunt and it feels just like a huge gap is there where she used to be. I understand how tough it is.

    btw, we have the same shoes!

  14. Bah, I am so behind. Summer has gotten away on me.

    "Right now I would have to say I am partially packed with every single emotion (maybe not ever single one) and that they are all kind of floating about in my head. Meaning? Well, to break it down ..."