How are you?
I really mean it. I feel like sometimes people ask but don't really want to know, you know? And the funny part about blogging is I get to tell you even if you don't want to know! ;) So I'll tell you how I am, really am, and you do the same, ok? You can leave it anonymously if you want, but tell me how you are doing lately if you'd like...I'd love to hear.
So I'm good. Not the best I've ever been but I'm good. Right now is all about figuring things out, I think. Learning that it is truly impossible to do it all. Choosing what's important, than doing those things well...that's what I can do. And what I am learning to do- trying to do. It's funny, I'll feel like I have one area of my life down- I've got all of these plates spinning in the air. And look at me! I'm doing it! I've got this. But I just cannot get all of the plates up, no matter how hard I try. And then I realize that in the exercise of trying to get all of the plates to spin, I'm focusing on that, and not on spinning at all...
Have I lost you yet? The point being, I'm learning balance. I'm learning how to look at everything in front of me and pick the things I want and need to do, and stop feeling guilty about saying no to the rest.
And you know that feeling when you walking outside, and there's a slight breeze and the sun is shining and you have that overwhelming feeling of happiness? That's been happening a lot more lately. I'll be running and just feel happy. Truly happy, the kind where even though I know shitty stuff happens sometimes and the world isn't really all that beautiful a lot of the time, there's this little bit of happiness right here. And maybe that's all we really get, and that's the point of all of this, to have these tiny bits of happiness and love and goodness and to figure out a way to make them last and last.
But fall is always a little weird for me because it reminds me of loss. Happiness in one hand, loss in another- my favorite month, yet also the saddest. Every October forever, I will always think about that afternoon and that phone call and every strange detail of that day/week/month. And now it's been seven years. Seven. How did that even happen? Some memories are so fuzzy, so hard to grasp, but I can still remember Kendall brightly and vividly, and it truly does feel like yesterday he was with us almost every day. I miss him terribly. And I think as I get older and move through life's milestones I miss him even more- the space where he should be, the place where he would be, so glaringly obvious as times goes on...
Sad and happy and weird and better and learning. That's me right now.
And now, how are you?