Sunday, October 5, 2014
We're All Evolving, We're All Moving.
I've been thinking about growing up a lot, and talking about it too, with various girlfriends. But let's get real, isn't that such a theme of my blog? I feel like I'm always talking about time and its passing. I'm not sure if it's because I am just hyper aware, or if it's because I'm prone to feeling sad sometimes (more sad than most people maybe?) and time slipping through my fingers is what makes me the most sad. My love for documenting and in turn thinking about remembering a moment even as it's happening is evidence of this, but luckily as I've gotten older I've been able to really condition myself to focus on the now rather than feeling sad about the now already being gone as I'm living it.
But lately the topic of conversation has been coming into my own. Or our own, when talking with girlfriends. I'm 32, and I really feel like over the past couple of years I've realized who I am, or at least who I am beginning to become. But even more important, and even more monumental, is that I've begun to truly accept her. And not just talking about self-acceptance, not just pretending to be self-assured and confident...but living it. Feeling good about who I am and the choices I make- and doing so without apology. Maybe this is what the 30s are all about. It's neat- I can see myself figuring it out, the roadmap to right here when I look back through the pages of my journal and this blog; I can see it in failed or successful friendships, in the insecurities I exhibited, in the way life has moved on and changed me as it has ebbed and flowed.
And it feels good to be here, to view myself clearly, and actually like who I see. I've talked a lot about seeing myself through Hank's or my kids' eyes, or at least trying to, and I feel like I'm able to do that now. What a gift these boys have given me; they've taught me to view myself through the lens of love and not of self-doubt or fear. I am forever grateful.
But the next step in this whole coming into my own? Allowing others to be exactly who they want to be, and do whatever it is that makes them happy.
I'm almost there. My first instinct when I see someone doing something different than I would, wearing something I wouldn't ever wear, making a choice so unlike my own, is to think YES! Go on with your bad self, mama! And that makes me happy.
My best self lifts others up. Sees the good in everyone. Forgives and moves on. Strives to be a light, and helps to to light others. Accepts differences and meets new things and ideas with curiosity rather than judgement.
It's hard though, right? I mean if we're being honest we're all judgmental creatures. Depending on who we surround ourselves with, better or worse parts of us can come out. We've all seen things we don't understand and have had the urge to gossip or have harbored unkind thoughts. It doesn't feel good though, I know this. And somewhere in all of that, is us feeling unsure about our own selves, so we try to point out the flaws or mistakes in others so our own don't feel as obvious or heavy.
It brings me back to this quote- "We have a tendency to want the other person to be a finished product while we give ourselves the grace to evolve." We're all evolving, we're all moving, we all have the right to continually change and grow and inch a little bit closer to that best self we envision. And by giving others the freedom to be exactly who they are, all flawed and mercurial and ever-changing, we give ourselves permission to be free too. It's a pretty beautiful thing.