Sunday, September 13, 2015

This Place, Not Too Far From That Place


Today I am thanking my body- the same body I used to look at in the mirror, up and down and narrow my eyes a bit, angry at something, someone, myself. Why are you like that? Why are you like this? Be smaller, be different, be the way I want you to be. I remember in college, one time before a spring break with girlfriends, I drank diet drinks for a week straight to be something other than I was. Smaller, different, better. I'd skip meals, eating only when I had to, something in my brain telling me that diminishing everything in my life, including myself, would make me happy. And it's weird, during that time I don't ever remembering feeling unhappy; in fact it was quite the opposite, at least on whatever level I was operating on. Even looking back it feels strangely simple (and sad): somewhere in my mind I was just led to believe that this is just what you do in order to be your best self- you under eat and over exercise, and this is how you do it. It was normal to me, and to most of my friends too. Looking back now at one particular winter, it was like I was underwater, eyes open, trying to look to the other side of a chlorinated pool. Clear sure, but the more I tried to focus, the worse it got. Cloudy. Hazy. Lost.

Even to write this makes me sad. But in order to love ourselves, we must love our entire story, right? I believe that. So onwards and upwards, to today.

Today I do all things with love. I look at myself and feel grateful. I climb a mountain and I feel strong. I carry my children and I feel like this is why I am here. My body takes me from one place to another- I run long distances and dance across a room and hike trails with the boys and jump up from my seat to hug a friend. Movement. Strength. I now eat to nourish myself. I lift weights to feel happy, I run to clear my mind. I practice yoga for all of the above.

I stand here in this place, not too far from that place, and look back with kindness at that girl. I sit here in bed and type this, taking a deep breath and feeling it move through my entire self- this body of mine that I once wanted so badly to be anything than what it was. But I'm here now, and it feels so good to love the here so hard. Saying thank you every chance I get, to this rad, strong body and all it does. Making up for lost time maybe, but I think with love, it's never too late. Grateful. Soaking it all up. And excited for what else I can learn and do. Here's to the next...

16 comments:

  1. Ever loving BEAUTIFUL babe ❤️❤️❤️

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  2. This really hit home for me. I feel like I have been in the haze for a while now, and your wonderful words give me hope that this isn't a forever thing! Thank you for your inspiring words and sharing your journey. All of the positive vibes to you!

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  3. This really hit home with me. I feel like I have been in the haze for a while now, and your wonderful words give me hope that maybe this isn't a forever thing. Thank you for sharing and all of the positive vibes to you!

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  4. You put my thoughts into beautiful words. I try to focus on my strength -- I carried a baby, I run, I lift weights...but it is so easy to slip back into feeling weak and puny. Like I want to disappear and be tiny. I'm ready to take up space...and be comfortable doing so.

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  5. I love this so much. Your spirit is so beautiful and kind and strong and empowering. xoxo

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  6. Beautiful. I feel like I'm finally shifting into these sorts of feelings about my body. It's a wonderful feeling.

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  7. Awesome post. Completely agree with you. I have been to some really dark places in terms of body image and self-destructive behaviors and looking back on that makes me sad too. But, like you said we have to love all parts of our stories. That part of my life helped shape who I am today. I am grateful I am doing most things with love now too including treating myself with love and being continuously grateful for the body I do have and what I am capable of.

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  8. Beautiful I hope to be at that stage one day xx

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  9. Excuse the language, but absofuckinglutely! What a waste of time it is, judging and criticizing ourselves! There are plenty of other people out there who do that for us.

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  10. Wonderfully written and what a great way to look back. You have taken something that is common for people (judging ourselves) and shown how we can grow from that. It's a wonderful place that you're in now, I hope to get there one day!! Have a great week :)

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  11. This Post! Thank you. I needed this, at this very time. more than I can say. I messaged you on snapchat a few days ago and told you that you inspire me daily with your work out snaps/healthy eating. I am on a thick struggle with my body image right now. I am super overweight and just feel so unhealthy. I am always trying this diet or that diet and ofcourse Nothing works because it comes off fast but comes back even faster. This post, your snaps, all of it... totally inspires me to NOT diet but to get active, be active, and eat for fuel... So thank you. Thank you for inspiring me basically all the time. Not just on the body image front but with so many things you post. Be it here, IG, snap... xo- Dani

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  12. This is wonderful! I'm trying to turn myself into the best version of myself I can possibly be, but sometimes you just get struck with melancholy that makes you feel like a Shakespeare character! But I'm happy to be alive and be me, because the world would be an awfully boring place if we all looked and acted the same.

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  13. Such a beautiful, honest post. "in order to love ourselves, we must love our entire story"...I'm going to write that down. That's good stuff right there!

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  14. this....I love this & can relate 100%. When I was a teenager I remember my mom telling me to enjoy & appreciate my body. It wasn't until recently, I fully understood what she meant. Love your honesty!

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  15. I really really love this post. I love what you said, "But in order to love ourselves, we must love our entire story". That is so so true. The past few years I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life. I'm in college and have been wanting to transfer for quite some time now and this year I'm finally taking that leap and doing it. I've found another great school and I feel like I'm going to be so much happier and look back and be so glad I went to a better place. It sounds kind of deep for such a simple thing, but when I'm older and tell people about my college days, I want my stories to sound true and proud.

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