Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015.

 (from 2015 Best Nine)

I really, really loved this past year. A LOT. I turned 33, celebrated 8 years of marriage, I came into my own in a big way. It was a growing year, for sure. But with growth comes some pain, right? I had some rough times. I explored so many questions, and at times it felt exhausting. I stumbled, made mistakes, I figured everything out as I went along. But now, now it's the last hours of 2015 and here I am, typing in bed as Hank watches football and the boys are asleep in their beds. I sit here and I look back at all of it and I am so, so goddamn grateful. THANK YOU for the hard stuff, universe. Even those days where I felt so sad for no good reason, lost in my stupid anxiety. Thank you. What's that saying? You gotta have some rain if you want a rainbow? Yes, something like that.

This morning in yoga we did some writing. We wrote down memorable things about last year, both good and bad, set intentions for next year, and created sutras from that writing. Mine was simple: Be present, be whole, be full of light. And when we walked out of the studio I felt so grateful for where I've been, and where I'm going in this new year. When I started writing this post I kind of felt overwhelmed after having so much time to think about it- where do I even begin? This year was so weird that I can't even really frame it, and when I try to think about it in a sequential way it's confusing. It's just that SO MUCH happened. I explored brand new places, my marriage became stronger than ever, I pulled my girlfriends closer and leaned in, hard. I realized a lot about why I do the things I do, and how I can do those things better. We had hard times, we had amazing times. I loved my family, I watched my boys grow. I learned from the wise women around me. I watched my sister and one of my best friends go through a divorce. I opened a business, Hank changed careers. One baby turned two, the other five. Change was the theme of 2015.

A big part of my year was authenticity, both striving to be more authentic in everything I do, and also seeking it out in others. I worked on creating a space where my loved ones feel safe to be themselves at all times, and in turn gave myself the grace to do the same. I developed stronger friendships with the handful of women I call my best friends, and also a greater understanding of who I am as a 33 year old. It feels GOOD to be yourself, unapologetically. It opens up doors and deepens relationships, and nothing is better than knowing that you've created a life full of like minded people who see you for exactly who you are, and love you all the same.

Another huge part of my year was adventure and the outdoors. I went on many, many amazing hikes and trips around the country. Life-changing, transformative trips that pushed my physical and mental boundaries. I hiked for hundreds of miles, climbed mountains, scaled rock walls, and ran a half marathon. I was able to be ME many times, a wife and mother sure...but through these solo trips (thank you Hank, I love you) I was able to revisit and re-find some of the things that had been buried. I found myself again.

I could go on, but really, I kind of just want to look to the future. I loved 2015, but I'm glad it's over. It was a hard year for so many people I love, and although I know that waking up tomorrow doesn't guarantee change, I do believe in new starts and the hope of fresh beginnings. I'm right there.

So what's next? What do I want from 2016?

I started this post having all of these little goals in mind. But then as I've spent the past couple of hours writing this, going back and forth between this window and other blogs, sites, texts, chatting with Hank, etc., I came to the realization that it's so much simpler than that.

Here's what I want: I want a FUCK YES year. Simple as that. I want to be present, I want to be fully here, and I want to do everything 100%. I want to enjoy the people around me and continue to live a life I'm really proud of. I want to love harder and to be a positive light for others, supporting the people I love. Every single year I feel like I'm getting better at these things. Ten, five, even a couple of years ago I wasn't where I am today. And of course, right? We're always growing and evolving...and that's the beauty of life. There's always a new day, or in this case, a new year. So I'm not even making resolutions or goals. I'm using this time as a check in, to look at myself and ask "How can I be better?" And I'm going to wake up tomorrow, refreshed and reenergized to take it all on and do it with a clear head and new beginning. I'm pumped. And my wish for you is the same- I hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you believe that you can make it better. Little by little, piece by piece. Starting now, in this great new, promising year! We can do this.

Here's to 2016! I love you!

10 comments:

  1. Beautifully written. Even though I can't say my year has been as great (and all the same challenging) as yours, I feel like I'm on the same path as you are. Maybe it's the age difference. I'm 27 and slowly finding myself and what I need to be me, and to be happy, and a good person. Weirdly enough starting to go on more hikes and enjoying the outdoors has been a bigger part of my year for the first time, too. There is a lot of joy in nature, a big not-so-hidden secret I guess. Anyways, I can't wait to see what's in store for you and me, and everyone else. I wish you and your beautiful family all the happiness!

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  2. Dani, I just adore you and your mindset. I hope that in 10 years when I reach 33(which I'm pretty sure is going to be the best age ever because I have this obsession with the number 3..) that I am as sure and confident in myself as you are. In a post I wrote recently on my blog, I put that I wanted 2016 to be the year that I fall in love with my life. Not because it is perfect or amazing but simply because this is the life I got, no one else will ever get to have it and that's good enough reason to love it. I struggle so much with deep self hate & insecurity, lack of trust, overwhelming fear and depression and 2015 was a shitty awful year for me. The good moments were there but they were fleeting and covered by a whole bunch of junk and pain and rejection and I was so lost. Worst year I've ever had in my life. I want this year to be about strength and trust and learning to be okay with myself because I don't know how to do that. Just be there for my own life 100% like you said. I just adore you, lady. Love everything about this post! Happy New Year! I know you are going to kick ass and do amazing things! xo

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  3. Beautiful! Happy New Year! Much LOVE. XOXOXO

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  4. Can I steal your sutra? It's perfect! This was beautifully written, and I hope your 2016 is everything you want it to be!

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  5. *a thousand praise hand emojis* FUCK. YES.

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  6. Beautiful soul, you are. Cheers to a wonderful 2016.

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  7. that's right,You gotta have some rain if you want a rainbow.
    Wish you well Dany

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