Tuesday, May 9, 2017

9:30pm

It's 9:30pm and I'm in between feeling like I should go to bed, and also feeling like I want to share something here. I've been having all of these thoughts about this space- and lately I've had this pull where I just want to write more and post more right here. What would be really awesome is to somehow gain two more hours in the day. That's all I really need to be able to come back to this space on a regular basis. But everyday my time gets divided pretty much the same way and there is often just a little tiny sliver to do things like this. However! I'm here, and I love it as always. It's so fun for me to have an outlet and a space to share whatever I feel like sharing. And I'm going to figure out a way to do that more.

Right now I feel really busy- I went back to working a couple weeks ago and it is a bit of a juggle to do everything that needs doing, but I also kind of like being insanely busy. Not in an "I'm so busy!" glorified way, but in my day feeling full of things that make me happy. That's the key for me, to feel like everything is welcome. It's still a shock though, to take a step back and think about where we are right now in life. Three kids! I was reading back in this blog before having any kids and then before Charlie, and it's funny to imagine that version of myself seeing this version of myself. We often have these ideas of what our lives should be or will be, and then when you get to the actual present day and look back at those ideas it's always a little weird. The word that comes to mind is thankful though- so so so thankful for every bit of this.

Mother's Day is coming up and of course it's all over the internet, including my own feed. I love Mother's Day like I love my birthday, maybe just because I think it's fun to celebrate your life with people you love, just like I love friends' birthdays too. They're just the best. But I got to thinking about being a Mom, and what kind of Mom I am, and how now with three I sometimes feel like I fall short. Not today though, today I had super human patience as Charlie took maybe six minutes to put on one sock and Henry wouldn't listen to me until I asked about four times to leave when I picked him up from school. Go, me! But on any other day I would maybe not have patience and feel totally frustrated like I'm not cut out for this at all. Does anyone feel like a great mother all of the time? I know I AM a great Mom, but I feel like somedays I feel like I'm not giving each of the boys the attention they need, and I go to bed thinking about all of it, a little rerun film playing back in my head of the mini fails throughout the day. I hate that.

But you know what the coolest thing is? Even when I feel like I stretched myself too thin, or my patience wore out, or I made them chicken nuggets for dinner (again!), I wake up the next morning to these sweet boys and their arms around me, the Iloveyous and "you're the best mama ever!" and we get to start over. And I love that. We get another chance to be the best us. I tell the boys that every single day. And maybe that's what matters you know? Them seeing me mess up, they mess up, and we all give each other the grace and room to make mistakes. And then we start again, always.

I have so much more to say but it's 10pm on the dot and I should go to sleep. Tomorrow I plan on waking up before everyone else and getting in some cardio, then after the kids leave for school and Hank goes to work, it's baby Olive and me hanging out. For now though, I'm off to bed. Hope you had a good night too...and if you made it all the way to the end of this rambling, thank you. ;)

xoxo

photo by Meghan of Debora Consult.

1 comment:

  1. I needed this post! My patience was extremely thin today and I wasn't my best self or mama. But tomorrow is a new day :)

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