Saturday, November 4, 2017

Now.



I'm standing here, kind of still, and everything is moving around me. If you ask me how I'm doing, I would tell you- "never been better." And it's the truth, really. But here I am with the world going on and on and it's easy to step away from the things that feel heavy and get swept away in everyone else's everything else. It's an odd sensation to feel overwhelmed with joy and also say goodbye to someone you love, and never know if that's the last goodbye. So many firsts while at the same time experiencing so many potential lasts. Although maybe that's not even a special circumstance. It really is the way it always is, if you really think about it. But it's easier not to, so I don't. It's easier to remain on the surface, where it's all simple questions and answers, even though sometimes I just want to go so far in to let myself feel the things I'm not letting myself feel- to stick my finger right in the wound and push until it hurts.

It's getting colder every morning and we used the heater for the first time today. The smell of that initial turn on every Fall transports me back to being very small- hazy images of flannel sheets and brown carpet, frost on the windows, bits and pieces somewhere in the very back of my memory always float up to the top. Happy times that feel light in my mind, moments that feel like yesterday and today all at the same time. Nostalgia.

The other day we were driving to the store, all five of us, and it was one of those lucky moments that happen, where the perfect song is on and you're in the right place with the right people just at the right time, and you get to experience that overwhelming feeling of- this is it. The joy in that little pocket of time has been something I've come back to often this past week. This dream I once had when I was a small child, the family I dreamt of as I grew, I am here. I feel so grateful, so alive with the knowledge I'm living the days I always wanted, that it's hard to even express. I want to hold it so close to my chest and protect every bit of it, sweep us away to a far away place where no bad news exists, where we're safe in a bubble from all the rest of the world, living only with this love we have for each other. I know though that's not how it works. So I just take this all day by day, trying to love them all more than I did yesterday, building upward and onward, just leaning into this blessed, blessed season we are in.

Right now mornings are my favorite. We go between slow and frantic depending on the day, but there are always moments inside the bigger picture that I linger on. This morning: Charlie coming in before the sun came up, his big green alligator trailing behind him, snuggling up in my arms, the last bits of baby so obvious in his cheeks, soft arms, blonde hair. Henry padding in later, small glimpses of the bigger kid he is becoming in the way he says things and asks questions, messy bed head and wanting breakfast right away. Olive waking later, tiny noises from the monitor growing bigger as we wait to go in. Then the door opening and her smile, so big, for all of us.

And three children, here we are. I haven't ever been busier/crazier/happier/filled with more love in my life and at the same time, learning so many new things everyday about myself, us, the world. It feels good to be 35 and exactly right here. It's the best age yet. I think I say that every year but it feels like this year I mean it more than ever. We're all older now- you the reader and me, the writer. Some of you have been here for so long, and it is almost like I'm imagining you right now when I'm typing. I appreciate that- you here reading, whoever you are, wherever you may be, and even more importantly still here, after all of this time.

Sometimes sweet, sometimes blogger, I cherish having this space to come back to whenever I want to share something. It's a pull I feel all of the time, to come here and write. And I think when the Instagram bubble pops and the next app comes up, maybe they'll still be some of us who like to get it all down in long form, in a place that exists just for us. A good reminder for the new year, to be here more when I can. To jot the little things down, bookmark a weekend, capture a season, to remember our now the best I can.

xoxo

photo by Lauren Ristow

5 comments:

  1. I love this post. All that little every day things in life. And what's better than soak them all in

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  2. Love reading your blog posts and seeing your IG stuff too! They always make me so excited to become a mama! You write so beautifully! <3

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  3. I love that feeling as well! Just when you're with the best people and thinking about what's happening around you thinking about what a perfect moment it is.
    I also love blogging for that reason as well! I haven't been blogging as much recently, but I love that I always have it here for times to come back and write a little something. It's like my cozy space to talk about just about anything. I love it.

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  4. I love your blog, I can't believe you are a mother of 3 now and I'm a Grandma. My how time flies! Keep writing...please.

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